I Don't Belong Here

Content Warning: Suicidal Ideation, Demonic Activity Nothingness    Journal Writing March 6, 2022 I've been on the outskirts of Heaven & it felt amazing, yet I still find myself in a quandary. I'm overwhelmed by the pressure to make the right decision, to not make mistakes, to be a part of a group of ppl who have hurt me so deeply, even rejected by some of them and Him. So I beg for option three, the gray in the middle, the one & only wish…..nothingness. It's a place of complete darkness and silence. No decisions to be made, no feelings or heartache, no past or future, just emptiness in a state of nonexistence. Here, there is no thinking, no headaches, no loss or gain. It's peace without even having to experience it because you are no longer anywhere. No name, no memory, nothing. Why would anyone who has lived choose this? Maybe when you have reached a point of unbearable pain and loneliness, a lifetime of struggles, having to always climb another hill, you can ...

September is Suicide Prevention Month. Well, today was my birthday. I can’t believe I have made it to forty-eight. Honestly, multiple times in my life, I planned not to be here for this day, including just last month. God has been faithful, even when I did not want Him to be, and even when I hated Him. God knew deep below all that anger and hatred was a great love for Him. And even though for a while I turned to other things to be filled, He never gave up on me. He never walked away or said I was too unclean to be called His daughter. Because He has always known my heart, and He knows my future. Thankfully, nothing causes Him to waver in His love for me. I can scream at Him, walk away, get angry, cry, and He just…. loves . And this love is not reserved just for me. He loves you, too. He cares about you regardless of your mistakes. You may feel like you are stuck in a deep spiral and can’t get out, but you can with God’s help. It will not happen overnight, and it will take a lot of work...

Lie: You will never win. A couple of days ago was one of those days when getting out of bed was a little harder to do. I was not ready or willing to face another day. In my last blog, I talked about refilling when you are depleted ( I’m Fine. Everything Is Fine. ). I knew getting up and pushing myself to start the day was just not possible. I was out of spoons. So I allowed myself the extra time in bed and didn’t feel bad about it in the slightest. I was then able to get up and grab my Bible (1 spoon). With no interest at all in reading it, the pages flipped back and forth for a while. Then suddenly something caught my eye, and I started reading. That was all I needed to get a small break in my dark cloud that morning. The Holy Spirit used that time to refill me just as God had promised us (Romans 8:26). The Bible has been a great tool for me to use against the enemy because it refreshes my mind and brings me back to Him. As I closed my Bible, I felt like writing, but I wasn’t sure wha...

                                                              I have to admit, the first time I heard about Spoon Theory, I wondered who would ever come up with such an odd representation for energy. Spoons? The idea behind this is that each person only has so many spoons per day, and each activity you do costs a spoon. Some activities cost more spoons than others. For example, getting out of bed, getting dressed, or turning off the alarm costs one spoon each. Things like taking a shower or cooking a meal would be two spoons each. Physical activities, like exercising, would then cost 3 to 4 spoons. Individuals struggling with MH (Mental health), like depression or suicidal thoughts, can sometimes spend all their spoons first thing in the morning, and there are no spoons left for the rest of the day. Self-care activities would represe...

I’ve had a rough couple of days. It still hits sometimes as I continue to move forward in my healing journey. Sometimes God can heal us instantly and miraculously, but most of the time He wants us to process through the trauma we endured because we learn from that. It is the best way, really, so we can then use that healing process to help others. Instant gratification teaches us nothing but a lack of patience for other things to come. I’ve been on my healing journey for a long time now. For many years, it was like a roller coaster because I was still holding a lot of pain inside. Then in March of 2020, everything just exploded, so it felt. An unfortunate event took place with someone from the church, and my heart was unable to manage even a drop more of pain. My emotional dam broke wide open, spilling everything out all at once. All the pain of the past that had not really affected me that much over my life was now like a dagger to the heart. It was excruciatingly painful. I felt alon...

Lie: God Made A Mistake. Someone once told me we give the devil too much credit, but I don’t think we give him enough. Until more recently, I don’t think I really thoughtfully considered what the devil was created for. He was made to be a leader, not a follower. He is an intelligent, celestial being created for greatness. I can almost understand better the high intelligence of such men as Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Leonardo da Vinci, and Isaac Newton. All brilliant minds, but confined to a human body. The devil in all his craftiness is so magnificently influential with his smooth, sly tongue. And he has the freedom to roam this earth with access to both you and me. And not just us, but the generations before us and the generations to come. I’ve always said the devil has been trying to kill me since the day I was born. Then, more recently, I was thinking about how he did not have to wait and see what my likes and dislikes would be. No, the devil knew my great, great, great, great grand...

Content Warning: Molestation, Self-Harm, Suicide I guess it's time to go back to the beginning, before the trajectory of my path was devastatingly slanted. Our family's parsonage was two trailers joined together. It was the spring of 1981 when I heard the sound of a small kitten underneath my bedroom floor. Several days went by, and I continued to hear it cry. I begged my older siblings, aged 12, 16, and 18, to climb under the dark space of the trailer to rescue the kitten, but no one was willing to venture under the dark spider spider-infested trailer. I just couldn’t bear the sound of the kitten that to me seemed all alone and frightened. I was only six years old, but the need to rescue it was too strong to ignore it another day. Monsters or ghosts, spiders big and small, I was going to find that kitten. I went between the trailers and found a gap in the skirt. It was dark and damp and full of cobwebs and bugs just as I feared. I had a small flashlight with me, and on my han...