"Because We Matter"

I’ve had a rough couple days. It still hits sometimes as I continue to move forward in my healing journey. Sometimes God can heal us instantly and miraculously, but most of the time He wants us to process through the trauma we endured because we learn from that. It is the best way really, so we can then use that healing process to help others. Instant gratification teaches us nothing but a lack of patience for other things to come. I’ve been on my healing journey for a long time now. For many years it was like a roller coaster because I was still holding a lot of pain inside. Then in March of 2020 everything just exploded, so it felt. An unfortunate event took place with someone from church and my heart was unable to manage even a drop more of pain. My emotional dam broke wide open, spilling everything out all at once. All the pain of the past that had not really affected me that much over my life was now like a dagger to the heart. It was excruciatingly painful. I felt alone and overwhelmed. Anxiety settled in with panic attacks too. I lost almost two years during 2020 and 2021 to the darkness. I drank a lot and did marijuana as often as I could. I had drank occasionally before this, but now it was starting to become a little more of a problem. And it was during an out of state trip that someone introduced me to marijuana. I was so angry at God. It just grew more and more until I couldn’t stand being alive. I hated my existence. I hated the church and everything connected to it. I came to a point where I knew I was going to die. There was this tiny part inside of me that knew it was wrong. I reached out to my pastor who then lined me up with a very important person who would jump start my healing journey, Pastor Shawn. This was no pinch and poke kind of healing, but digging deep into the wounds. In addition to meeting with Pastor Shawn, I started looking for a counselor. I am on my third one now. It is hard to find a good fit, so it is important not to give up on finding that counselor you can connect with. I know it can be discouraging and that is exactly what the enemy is counting on. Now is the time for determination. Keep praying and asking God for wisdom and direction in finding that fit. Sometimes it seems like God is not there or not listening, but He is. God directed me to Psalm 116 early one morning as a reminder that He has not abandoned me. I read the first scripture and immediately started crying. “I love the Lord, for he heard my voice…” He heard my voice. Thank you God for hearing my voice and not giving up on me. I have often felt like God did give up on me because so many people have. But God says I matter. You matter. Everything He creates matters to Him. Last night, after two days of struggling yet again, I emailed my counselor and told him that I was having a hard time. The last part of his email said, “Angela, you matter.” I don’t care who you are or what journey you have been on, we all need to feel like we matter. Maybe you can relate to this because a parent or an uncle always cheered you on. Maybe it was a close friend or pastor. Maybe in high school there was that one teacher that had so much faith in you. At some point we all need at least one person from planet earth to show us that we matter. The more people we have cheering us on, the more positive we will feel about ourselves and our healing process. So we, the ones struggling, typically have not had enough cheerleaders over the course of our life. We may lack family, friends, or church support. What I think is important to remember is that healing comes from God, but it is most often transferred through people. Every single one of us, struggling or not, are his conduits. Life has many seasons and if you are not giving, you are then receiving. If you do not think you fall into either one of those categories, I would suggest you start talking to God about that and let him reveal the truth. Giving and receiving do not have to be gigantic things. Talking to someone in the check out line as you wait is giving. Your kind words and smile may be the very thing that changes their day. Earlier this year I was really struggling with the suicidal thoughts and major depression. It was so hard to make it through each day. I had enough energy to smile and talk to the ladies who worked with me, finish a few cleanings, just so I could crawl into bed and crash for the evening. It was February 10th, while at the second cleaning, I decided that I was going to take my life that day. I could not bear the idea of even finishing the day out. I came close to walking off the job and just leaving to do it. We had one more cleaning that afternoon, a small one, which myself and my daughter were going to clean alone. We had to go home first for lunch, so I decided I would go home and get my gun and tell her that she was cleaning it on her own. I would then drive to a local hiking trail and end my life. Sometimes when you are feeling suicidal, the urge to die is strong, but not enough to take action like I was that day. For me it always feels like a switch flips in my mind and there is no turning back, not unless something happens to change it. Not unless I receive something at that moment. I was dusting the master bedroom and the client was sitting in a chair in the corner. Suddenly she got up and walked over to me and took my hand. The second she touched me something happened. The power of God shot through her and into me. The desire of death instantly disappeared. She said, “If there is anything you ever need to talk about, know you can talk to me. I feel like God is telling me that you are not okay and I want you to know you can trust me with anything. I will just listen.” She gave me a hug and that was the end of my plans to take my life. I know that I would have died that day. I know that because of how I was feeling, but more importantly because the Holy Spirit interceded on my behalf. Every single time I know that I will die, God has sent someone or did something to stop it. I have had pastors randomly call me out of the blue because they said they felt like God was telling them to call. I have had angelic voices come out of dark corners where no one is there. Or like the time with the client, someone has approached me and suddenly things changed from death to life. If I did not matter to God, then why would he keep sending people to save me? If you are reading this and you also have struggled with suicidal thoughts and maybe even attempted it, then I wonder who God sent your way? Have you ever wondered why you are still here? And if God really cares? I don't think it is a coincidence that you are here now and reading this post. God says He wants you and loves you. He says you matter to Him.
I wish I could tell you that the healing process is easy. That would be far from the truth. It is painful to process memories and the emotions attached to them. It is tiring to keep pushing through our normal activities and responsibilities while also seeking counsel and relief from the pain. I clean houses which is a tiring job in itself. I do that five days a week. I see my professional counselor once a week. I see a pastor almost every week to talk and for prayer. Honestly that has been my greatest source of healing the last two years. Currently I am taking an online class which is weekly. It is for depression, suicide, PTSD, and things alike. Additionally I see a very good friend for soul care typically once a month, sometimes twice. I attend church almost every Sunday morning and keep in touch with a few friends that are my support group. My life is very much wrapped around my healing journey right now, but I would not be here writing this if I was not doing all of these things for myself. It is a decision to be made whether you want to fight or not. There are times when I do not want to fight, but withdraw. I just got off the phone with a very dear friend, one of my supporters, because she knew I was struggling the last few days. I didn’t want to talk to her. I felt like that nine year old girl whose just couldn't find the words because I was completely shut down (Blog-God Made a Mistake). It literally took hours before I finally agreed to a phone call. Sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do because I know it is the right thing for me at that time. When I am struggling though, even a text or call can be hard to do, but it is a part of the process. Sometimes our bodies need the rest and it is okay to crawl in the bed and cover ourselves with the blankets, but don’t stay there. Don’t let the enemy keep you from doing the hard things that will save you. I can hear you by the way, all those negative reactions and thoughts telling you that you don’t care anymore or you don’t want to fight because it's too hard. You are hearing a voice tell you that your journey is different, it's harder, and no one understands. You might be right. Maybe your trauma has been far worse than mine. I know plenty of people have been through more than I, but the fight is the same. The lies are the same. The decision is the same. Life or death? God has called us to life because we matter.
If you want to reach out to me to talk, please go to the home page and click on the drop down menu at the top, left corner. There is a place to send me an email. I would gladly listen to your story with no judgment. I also welcome comments below. Leaving comments is giving because the enemy does not like this blog. By following and interacting it takes a swing at the enemy and reminds him that you and I are children of God. Thank you for the support and God bless!