"Nothingness"

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation, Demonic Activity

Nothingness   

Journal Writing March 6, 2022

I've been on the outskirts of Heaven & it felt amazing, yet I still find myself in a quandary. I'm overwhelmed by the pressure to make the right decision, to not make mistakes, to be a part of a group of ppl who have hurt me so deeply, even rejected by some of them and Him. So I beg for option three, the gray in the middle, the one & only wish…..nothingness. It's a place of complete darkness and silence. No decisions to be made, no feelings or heartache, no past or future, just emptiness in a state of nonexistence. Here there is no thinking, no headaches, no loss or gain. It's peace without even having to experience it because you are no longer anywhere. No name, no memory, nothing. Why would anyone who has lived choose this? Maybe when you have reached a point of unbearable pain and loneliness, a lifetime of struggles having to always reclimb another hill, you can no longer long for that comfort and love you have endlessly strived for. It doesn't matter anymore. Why should I care? How can I possibly consider the next hill? So I sit in the valley, not to sulk or complain, no, I’m too tired for even that. I sit in the valley because I never asked for this. I never signed up for this life and I realize it's the only thing I can now control. I can decide for myself if I want to keep going or sit still. I find myself laying down on the ground, curled up tightly as I watch the world all around. Here I can find a strange form of rest that is only found in the valley. My body aches and my mind is tired, but I feel confident in my decision to lay here and just wait. Wait for what comes from within the darkness of the valley. It won't take long now. I can hear it coming and no one can shake me loose or force me onto my feet. I have taken control, but sadly even in my confidence I know in the end even I will never get to decide my fate. There will be no gray. There will be no nothingness waiting for me on the other side.

For a long time, while struggling with suicidal thoughts, there was a deep desire for nothingness. I wanted to die, but I did not want Heaven or Hell. I don’t think anyone who believes in Hell would choose to go there, but then if that person is angry at God, then why would you want to go to Heaven either? I felt like the ribbed side of a coin, nowhere to go. I was trapped here on this planet where I felt like I did not belong. Knowing that I could not have nothingness made me even more angry at God. After awhile, I believed God was allowing the enemy to torture me. Every week that passed and it did not change, I pulled further and further away from God. I didn’t even want to hear His name. One evening I visited some friends and as I sat at their table they started to say something about God. I didn’t even let my friend finish. My entire body cringed. “I don’t want to talk about Him.” I said quickly. My friend looked at me surprised. She knew I was struggling, but this was way out of character for me. She said, “Well, in this house we talk about God so if you want to leave you can.” I wasn’t even offended. I stood up and started to grab my jacket. “Wait, don’t go. It’s fine, we’ll talk about something else until you’re ready to talk about Him again.”

Lie #6: God is Not Good

What makes this so peculiar is that my whole life has been wrapped around church and ministry since I was a child. I was a leader and a teacher. I’m quite certain no one expected me to fall so far and so hard. But when you try living with unhealed trauma, it doesn’t matter who you are, it will eventually rise up in you because it cannot be held down. Years of lies I believed about myself but ignored, now here wanting my full attention. Reminding me I was unloved, unwanted, unworthy, ugly, unintelligent, a constant failure, and on and on.

So here I was now suddenly wondering how I made it to this place in my life and feeling so empty and alone, so worthless. My past trauma’s now screaming in my ear for the due attention they deserved. But it was pulling me into dark places; darker places than I had been before. I had so many questions and all the same churchy answers. Why would He create knowing all of this was going to happen? Not just my life, everyone’s. How could He create someone knowing they will go to Hell? But as the months passed and the depression grew stronger, the more I just wanted to die. The depression started to turn into anger and the more angry I became, the questions started to change. I was now fully against God. Instead I wondered if this was a funny joke to Him? Did He lose a bet? Why does He enjoy watching so much pain? What if He isn’t even real? It just didn’t make sense to me anymore. I decided there was no way He was a good God. What a fool I had been to believe any of it. And all the hours of my life wasted. My only options after death were Heaven with Him or Hell. That alone was so unfair. Even in death He would not grant me peace. Peace was no memories, no thoughts, nothing. Silence. Non-existence. This only made the depression and suicidal thoughts worse because I knew that would never happen. As the anger had grown, so did the demonic activity. The first major thing I remember was one night when I had just gone to bed. Suddenly I felt myself pinned down. I could not move my arms or legs at all. Then sharp pains would shoot down one or several of my limbs randomly. I felt the dark presence of evil all around me as images of demons flashed rapidly in my mind. There was a heaviness like something was sitting on my chest. I tried to regain control of my mind, but it was moving too fast. When it all started to settle down, I was terrified. Who was I going to call on for help? God, no way, The church? They didn’t even notice I had left. But Jesus, I still felt His presence. He had not abandoned me. My logic behind this was fairly distorted. I figured that Jesus had seen the bad end of God’s choices too when He had to die on the cross. I figured if God could create all of this, then He could have done anything to wipe away our sins instead of having Jesus die a brutal death. Though my thinking was getting twisted more and more, I am now thankful that I trusted Jesus. That was a gift from God I did not recognize at the time. So I would talk to Him when I could. I asked for His help. I was easily able to ignore the truth of “three in one” which made Jesus God too. Most likely another gift from God. During all of this, I was drinking more heavily and had marijuana almost daily. It made my mind open for the enemy to come in and confuse things. Truth became lies and lies became the truth. I just wanted to understand all of it and know the real truth. I would get headaches trying to sort things out in my mind but I never seemed to get anywhere. Though I started seeking counsel, the desire for nothingness lingered for a very long time. It just seemed to be the best answer, but I didn’t know how to make that happen.

For that year and a half, I would see the spirit of death in my room. There was always a presence of evil around me, but mostly in the evening and at night when I went to bed. I would have dreams of demons and I died a different way every night. I never had a good night's sleep. I believe the scariest moment I encountered was while I was cleaning a bathroom sink area. I glanced up just briefly and my reflection in the mirror scared me. I looked back quickly and stared back at myself as my heart began to race. It was my face, but it wasn’t. I was looking at a demonic version of myself. Whatever it was, it came from the pits of Hell. Angrily it glared at me. I quickly called on Jesus to protect me and to send extra angels. I texted a friend and asked for her to pray for me. I can’t imagine how I would have made it through without Jesus by my side.

Then today, while sitting in a church service, God revealed something to me that I had not thought about during that long stretch of chaos and confusion. I suddenly understood that strong desire for “nothingness” as a sly tool of the enemy to get me to abandon God. Nothingness is an illusion, a deception of distraction. The enemy made me desire a place that appeared to erase not only God, but the devil too. But in denying God I would have automatically fallen into the hands of the enemy, who was not erased after all. The devil took my attention away from him knowing it would only bring me back to him after it was too late.  

I had not heard anyone else use the word “nothingness” before. Then recently I was in an online suicide group when I saw someone post that they just wanted nothingness. They said life was hopeless, just like I had felt. There it was again. Someone else, trapped in the lie. But at that time I still didn’t understand what was so wrong with wanting nothingness until today. Nothingness is not escaping God and the devil, it is choosing the devil over God.