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My Father's Hands

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My Father’s Hands My father passed away a year ago from a brain bleed after a massive stroke. I was with him in the ER the first evening he arrived. There was a lot of activity in his room. Several nurses rushed in and out. He looked at me with a broad smile, rambled some gibberish, and then laughed as if he had just said something hysterical. I smiled back with a forced laugh. Shortly after that, he closed his eyes, and it was the last time I saw them. I am so grateful I was able to be with him in those last moments of consciousness, even though his ability to really communicate had been severely compromised. Blood was quickly pooling around his brain, cutting off oxygen. I had no idea it was the last time to hear his voice or see him smile. Now, a cherished, but painful memory for me. Our family was never a touchy-feely kind of family, but in the moment, holding my father's hand felt like the right thing to do. I imagined somewhere in his mind he might be scared, so I rea...
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Rest in the Shadows

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I heard someone say, “If you work through it, it can’t hurt you anymore.” I’ve spent most of my life shoving hurt down into the deepest crevices of my soul. I didn’t even notice I was doing that at first. I thought I was just blessed to be strong and brave; to rise above the trauma and heartache. But as all those places within me started to fill, eventually there was no more room left. It bulged out further and further like a balloon filling with air. I felt the discomfort of it, but I wasn’t sure what it was. I was still living in this delusion that I was stronger than what I actually was, somewhat untouchable by grief and pain. Then one day, a very small thing happened. It pierced my now over-swollen spirit, like the point of a needle hitting my heart. It was a misunderstanding that led to a negative comment towards me, and just like that, the bulge burst, seeping out everywhere. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. My mind spun uncontrollably around in circles. All I could do was h...
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Little Brain for the Win

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Have you ever struggled with intrusive thoughts? They're the ones that pop into your brain as if they were invited. Everyone has them, and most are harmless and just junk thoughts you can discard immediately, but sometimes they can start affecting your life and emotions. Negative intrusive thoughts that persist can do great damage to a person's mental health. It can lead to depression, anxiety, OCD behaviors, self-harm, and even suicide. I am a part of several groups online for these types of mental illnesses, and I constantly see people posting about negative thoughts about themselves. A week does not go by that someone does not post, "I will never get better," or "I fail at life, I might as well end it." I can relate to their thoughts and pain. Gaining control of your thoughts is not as easy as making up your mind that you are going to "just think happy thoughts and be positive!" If it were that easy, fewer people would be dying every day. I beli...
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