"I'm Fine. Everything Is Fine."

                                                             

I have to admit, the first time I heard about Spoon Theory I wondered who would ever come up with such an odd representation for energy. Spoons? The idea behind this is each person only has so many spoons per day and each activity you do cost a spoon. Some activities cost more spoons than others. For example, getting out of bed, getting dressed, or turning off the alarm cost one spoon each. Things like taking a shower or cooking a meal would be two spoons each. Physical activities, like exercising, would then cost 3 to 4 spoons. Individuals struggling with MH (Mental health), like depression or suicidal thoughts, can sometimes spend all their spoons first thing in the morning and there are no spoons left for the rest of the day. Self care activities would represent washing those spoons to reuse them, therefore refilling the drawer. Taking a nap, eating, and spending time with friends add spoons that we all need. Sometimes it can be hard to recognize when someone is struggling or not. They appear to be doing well and have plenty of energy, but that may not be true. I spend most of my “spoons” on three things- getting ready in the morning, working my physical job which takes a LOT of spoons, and presenting myself as happy and well to those around me, which also takes a lot. Spoons are therefore an essential commodity we all rely on to just get through the day. They are not just limited and precious to individuals fighting MH, but those suffering with chronic pain. For these individuals, it often takes longer to complete tasks depending on where their energy level is at that time. You can’t spend energy that does not exist. This is why self care is extremely important for daily functioning. But self care can be hard to do sometimes. It can be a lack of energy minimizing physical strength. It can be a lack of interest because of the blanketing effect of depression. But often just believing the lie that we do not deserve to be well can hinder efforts to move forward in the healing journey. Those struggling with MH must give themselves grace and patience. Healing is a gradual process that takes time, like peeling back an onion one layer at a time. It is also important that people supporting a loved one offer patience and grace as well. It is a team effort that can only be successful working together in kindness and understanding. Those, like myself, who are genuinely fighting against the struggle most days, will spend as many spoons as it takes to be sure we do not negatively affect those around us. I mentioned in another posting (Secrets to Surviving) that those fighting against depression and/or suicidal thoughts fear they will lose the people they love if they do not heal quick enough. So we hide our struggle as often as we can, not for our sake, but for those around us. That cost us spoons, ones we should not be giving away. Sadly, the longer a person struggles the harder it is for our supporters to stick around. Suddenly they question whether we want to heal or that we are just attention seekers. They become frustrated and disappointed and inevitably leave. So just the weight of maneuvering around that reality for us can take a drawer full of spoons, leaving it challenging to accomplish simple daily tasks. It can be a vicious cycle and potentially prolong the healing process. This is where understanding that MH struggles are more complex than supporters may know. 

We are learning more and more how MH affects our physical body in so many ways. Linda Forster, in her book Trauma To Transformation, says, “Unresolved trauma can freeze emotions, so they get stuck in the body, influencing not only thinking but also the functioning of the body” (Forster 101). There are several things there to discuss, but I will focus on the part that states we “freeze emotions”. I experienced this for many years, seemingly unaffected by trauma in my youth until my body could no longer withstand it. That is why some people in their 40’s to 50’s suddenly crash from childhood trauma. The lack of a healthy or healed foundation in their youth finally crumbles under the weight of years of maintaining it. It reminds me of the parable in the Bible where Jesus tells us to build our house on the rock and not the sand (Matthew 7:24-27). Individuals who do not experience major trauma in their youth essentially have a rock foundation. This does not mean they had the perfect childhood, they just had a safe, well rounded youth. They may have chips in it, or minor cracks, but there is still a rock formation keeping them anchored. Individuals who have unresolved trauma during their youth have sand as their foundation. The waves eventually will come crashing in (emotions of unhealed trauma) and potentially wash the house away. The house on the rock, with its solid foundation, can withstand most storms of life. That does not mean their storms are not hard or emotional for them. It also does not mean they are not in need of support too. It just means they have a better chance of recovering more speedily and with greater success. I realize it is not the best analogy, but I hope you understand where I am going with that.

Note to the struggling:

I know some days are harder than others. The more time you can give for self care will decrease the weight of pain and increase joy. Like me, you may not have a foundation that includes joy, but that doesn't mean it cannot be restored or added. It has always been available to us, but it comes in doing things in life that are “life giving”. You alone are responsible for making sure you have life giving moments, like going kayaking or walking a trail. I sometimes treat myself to a steak dinner and salad. Have you thought about what brings you joy? I know what you may be thinking, you don’t care anymore. I know, I was there too. But if you can use one of those spoons to just do one small thing. It can even be something as small as buying yourself a new hair brush. It is something just for you. Because you matter. You are worth fighting for. God created you, so He wanted you. Your existence is proof that He does care, whether you feel or see that or not. Grace, get comfortable with it because you need to be covered with it. When the devil speaks a lie to you, counter that lie with a truth you already know. Example: “You will always be depressed/suicidal.” Tell the enemy out loud because he cannot read your thoughts, “No, Jesus said He came to give me life and to have it abundantly.” (John 10:10b) You can do this with the help of the Holy Spirit. He is always with you. And your truth does not have to be a Bible verse either. You can tell the devil, “I am a Child of God and what you are saying is not true.” Now I wish I could tell you that it always works and the devil flees. The reality is, he sometimes keeps throwing punches. Call on the name of Jesus Christ to guard and protect you, and then pick up the phone and call a friend. You will need that support at that moment. “Where two or three are gathered in my name, I will be there.” Matthew 18:20

Note to the supporters:

We, who struggle, can be frustrating. You will most likely experience disappointment, fear, even anger sometimes. I ask that you direct those emotions toward the Holy Spirit so he can help you through them. If you care about this individual and want to see them free of this, there are a few things you can do to help. Praying for them as often as you can would obviously be the most important thing you can do. Getting together to do activities and to listen promotes life giving moments that impact them mentally and physically. Do not feel like your time together needs to simulate a therapy session, just be a friend and let them have a break from the thoughts. One of the biggest things I hear from others fighting against depression/suicidal thoughts is the loneliness. Some of us do not fight as hard as others. If you can remind yourself that the reason why they do not fight with passion is because they are believing lies from the enemy. The enemy tells us that we will never heal, that we do not deserve healing, that we are getting what we deserve, that we are struggling so long because that’s what God wants, and that no one will fight with or for us (even when we do have support). Patience and grace will lead the way. This is not going to be a smooth ride. Be prepared for bumps in the road. Most importantly above all of those things, take care of yourself. You cannot help them if you are depleted. Only share extra spoons you are willing and able to give. Be honest with them when you need space. Just disappearing does more damage than good and can set them back further because it reinforces the lies from the enemy. They might be struggling, but hopefully they are not insensitive to your needs as well. Communication is so important. When you need a break, just tell them. Let them know that you are not walking away permanently and will be still praying during that time. If you can manage to shoot a text during that break just saying, “Hey thinking of you and praying.” It supports the truth that you have not abandoned them. My best advice though would be to trust God to guide you because He knows best. Thank you for your willingness and care towards them. It is so appreciated. You are brave and amazing. 

Resources:

https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/spoon-theory

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1165349766/spoon-theory

Forster, Linda. Trauma To Transformation.USA, Kingdom Life Ministry, 2021.

https://www.facebook.com/HrtPastor/