"When the Enemy Wins"

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A couple days ago was one of those days where getting out of bed was a little harder to do. I was not ready or willing to face another day. In my last blog I talked about refilling when you are depleted (I’m Fine. Everything Is Fine.). I knew getting up and pushing myself to start the day was just not possible. I was out of spoons. So I allowed myself the extra time in bed and didn’t feel bad about it in the slightest. I was then able to get up and grab my Bible (1 spoon). With no interest at all in reading it, the pages flipped back and forth for a while. Then suddenly something caught my eye and I started reading. That was all I needed to get a small break in my dark cloud that morning. The Holy Spirit used that time to refill me just as God had promised us (Romans 8:26). The Bible has been a great tool for me to use against the enemy because it refreshes my mind and brings me back to Him. As I closed my Bible I felt like writing, but I wasn’t sure what to write about. I turned the computer on and waited. I thought about how I had awoken wanting to die, but I gave myself a life giving moment of rest, then used that small refill to read the Bible. I could have chosen to do something else, like scroll Facebook, play a game on my phone, or just keep laying there. I feel like sometimes the enemy presents the illusion that we have to jump through twenty hoops to break free from his ludicrousy (yes I made up that word & I like it). I refuse to believe the lie that reading scripture can’t pull you out of the darkness, because it absolutely can. It is crazy to think, all I did was rest thirty minutes and read a few scriptures to abandon any thoughts of death. How amazing the Holy Spirit works. I can’t say it always works that smoothly, but it is a great place to start. I still didn’t know what I wanted to write, but I just started typing anyway and this is what came out. Trigger warning: Suicide; Death


"Suicide. It is unrelenting; like a lion chasing its prey. My heart is racing, frantic, and I am unable to even think clearly. Just run, run hard, and run fast. I can feel my oxygen is constricting. I am losing ground. The agony of the moment when the teeth sink in. It doesn’t even fully hurt at first. It takes time for the mind to catch up. Realization and then defeat. Once my mind recognizes it has been defeated, caught, hopeless, and helpless, then the pain rushes in and consumes me. It shoots out from the point of the wound, where the blood is now flowing freely. There is no way to stop it. More and more blood, my life, is now exposed on the ground and in the mouth of my enemy. Anguish. Unimaginable anguish triggers the fear of knowing it has come to an end. In some ways it is a relief, but the mind suddenly makes memories more vibrant and full. Why were they not like that before? Why did my blood spilling suddenly change everything? Every moment of my life looks more special than before. Each laughter is sweeter. No longer is my life seen as dark and cold or so gloomy. It is bright and full of life. Now the truth is exposed of what my life really was like before. It was all just a filter from the enemy. Everything was dull and lifeless, but now I see a different reality. But it’s too late because the enemy has now won. I lay immobile completely surrounded by my life both internally and externally. My breathing is growing shallow. The enemy is licking his lips. He enjoyed the hunt, the torture and panic in my eyes all this time. All these years. All the moments lost. The joy snuffed out and confidence striped away. Second chances are now gone. The enemy does not leave. He wants to enjoy the moment of my last breath. He stands over me with a smile, blood dripping from his teeth. I hate this part. I hate him so much. Why did I let him win? Why did I not see the truth; all his deceptive tactics? Why was it so hard to believe who I really was? I see my reflection in his glazed over eyes. I look just how I feel, defeated and disappointed in myself. He didn’t have to win. And even though he has, it does not change who I am. I am still a child of God. He can never take that from me."


After writing this, I felt like God had opened my eyes again. It felt all so real as I typed, as if I had actually died. I thought about those who had near death experiences. For some, their boulder size struggles were now as small as a pebble in their hand. I know all of us can have that if we continue to persevere. We have to increase our trust in God, because if we don't trust Him, how can we have hope for our future?


Read Psalm 116 “for he heard my voice…”


Updated 12/20/23

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