I Don't Belong Here

Content Warning: Discusses Suicide There are so many crazy lies the enemy comes up with, but sometimes it is the truth that hurts the most. Someone recently said to me, “I have lost so much time being depressed and thinking about suicide, there is no reason to keep going.” I said the same thing once, many times actually.  We all have foundational lies that we carry with us into adulthood. Some of the worst being, I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough, or smart enough to be successful. Some hold fast, believing every word, while others recognize them as the lies they are. The enemy’s first weapon against us is tearing down our self-image and making us question our God created attributes. He casts shadows of doubt and fear long before we even begin early development. Without proper support from our parents and other family members, we can begin to develop false lenses about ourselves. It's a trap that most of us step into while we are still young and vulnerable. At least I k...

Content warning: Images & description of a car accident In the summer of 1998, I was involved in a car accident while heading to work. I was driving my little burgundy Plymouth Horizon, which did not stand a chance against the Goliath RAM truck that pulled out in front of me. In the blink of an eye, my 110 lbs. body slammed against the steering wheel and dashboard. My head hit the windshield in front of me. I remember small glimpses of people driving by and gawking at me as I sat sideways in my car, unable to stand. I was in and out of consciousness. I remember feeling an exhaustion wash over me that I had never felt before. I wanted to get up and look at my car and check on the other person, but I could not . My thoughts and movements were in slow motion at best. I never heard the ambulance arrive, but as the stretcher jolted when they lifted me into the back, my mind woke again. I could hear them talking about my failure to respond. Although I could hear them, I had no str...

Do you feel like the only thing you can be is broken? Have you listened to the lie that you can never be whole again, complete, wanted, and loved? It’s a dark valley to live in, but it's all just an illusion. You can get back up and dust yourself off, as they always say. You can squint your eyes and find that small spark of light in the distance. Just start walking and don’t stop. Sing aloud to drown out the whispers telling you that you will never make it. And never forget, even in the darkness, you can make a difference.  I found myself on a flight a few weeks ago, headed for my holiday vacation. My daughter and I had selected an extra seat for our row so we could fly comfortably to our destination. The airline overbooked seats, and in the final moments before the door closed, a well-dressed woman slipped into the empty seat next to our window. We chatted briefly about flying, and then I pulled out the book I had selected for the flight. I had originally planned to bring a differ...

  Content Warning: Suicide, self-harm, depression, addictions, demonic activity A few years back, after depression and suicidal thoughts took over my life, I created a number system to track my struggles. Yes, that is plural for “struggles”. I wanted desperately to understand what was going on and what exactly was driving these thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I was very quickly becoming unrecognizable. I purchased a lot of books and read articles concerning mental health and spiritual warfare. Mentally, I was all over the place, and I couldn’t seem to get a grip on any of it. I was physically exhausted, and before long, I was seeking anything to submerge the swirling chaos going on inside of me. Spiritually, I was completely lost and confused. Trauma from my past had suddenly surfaced altogether, and with it came a great anger towards God. Creating a basic number chart, I could easily log my current mental state with a simple number, as you will see below. This ...