Charting Your Mental Health Behind Enemy Lines

 

/Trigger Warning: Suicide, self harm, depression, addictions, demonic activity/

A few years back, after depression and suicidal thoughts took over my life, I created a number system to track my struggles. Yes, that is plural for “struggles”. I wanted desperately to understand what was going on and what exactly was driving these thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I was very quickly becoming unrecognizable. I purchased a lot of books and read articles concerning mental health and spiritual warfare. Mentally I was all over the place and I couldn’t seem to get a grip on any of it. I was physically exhausted and before long I was seeking anything to submerge the swirling chaos going on inside of me. Spiritually I was completely lost and confused. Trauma from my past had suddenly surfaced all together and with it came a great anger towards God. Creating a basic number chart, I could easily log my current mental state with a simple number, as you will see below. This allowed me to better recognize external factors that potentially correlated to internal reactions and behavior. What people, places, or events could be triggering my depression to rise and/or suicidal thoughts? Was it my environment? Job? Physical condition? The season?

At the time of starting this chart, I was under horrific spiritual attacks. I didn't know if this was mental health, spiritual warfare, or both. Tracking my numbers allowed me to see when and where I was most vulnerable. I quickly learned that my numbers spiked in the evenings and late into the night. It was common for me to have terrifying nightmares. Each dream I was chased by demonic spirits and dying a variety of ways over and over again. One night I watched as the spirit of death floated closer and closer to me in my dream. Just as it came right into my face, I started to scream. I awoke screaming in my bed with the spirit of death hovering over my bed, literally and in real time. It quickly vanished from my room, but I was left clutching my chest as my heart raced erratically. Sometimes I would even lose time. One afternoon I was sitting at my desk and was feeling like I couldn’t take much more. I rested my head in my hands as I tried to slow the thoughts. I suddenly was standing at the foot of my bed. The television was playing a Christian song and I felt perfectly happy with a clear mind. I realized that nearly three hours had passed by.

During this time, all I wanted was help, but I was also afraid. I questioned everything, especially whether I was just crazy or if it was only spiritual warfare. For me, the enemy was using the trauma of my past to keep me bound and living in fear. A counselor once told me that I was opposite of most people, I feared living rather than fearing death. I think there was a lot of truth in that.

I believe often people who do not reach out on their own for help are viewed as not wanting help or not ready to receive help. That certainly is possible, but I think in most cases the enemy has just planted fear in them. Fear of being rejected, fear that the prayer and support will not help. I desperately wanted my church to rescue me from this evil, but I was also scared that they would. I felt trapped, driving my suicidal thoughts even higher. To me, death was easier. In one breath it could all be over. Problem solved. But I knew deep down it was wrong for me to take my life and that was not what God wanted for me. A couple years passed as I hid my struggle for as long as I could. First I turned to drinking, then marijuana. Eventually I was cutting myself to find some kind of relief. When you are in this valley of darkness, everything is less scary when you are high or tipsy. I could zone out and not feel anything for a while. It seemed to be a wonderful and necessary break since I was not seeking counseling or able to reach out to my church, family, or friends. The enemy is good at the illusion of making things feel right in the moment, until suddenly you find yourself addicted. This is why I think it is important for the church to ignore that imaginary line the enemy has drawn which tells the church that it's inappropriate to reach out to people. Don’t call or go by is what leadership is often taught. But what we feel on the other side of that line is a confirmation that we are not worth fighting for. I believe it is possible that the church is forgetting that the enemy is silencing its victims with mental and physical pain, not to mention tremendous fear. The enemy is duct taping our mouths and tying us down with ropes of anger, rejection, shame, and so much more. Sometimes those struggling just need rescuing instead of feeling forced to come broken and scorned in need of help.

I’ve included my 0-10 scale that I made back when I was under heavy attack from the enemy while dealing with childhood trauma. What I discovered with my number chart was that childhood trauma was triggering negative emotions and even self hatred towards myself. People and conversation reminded me of the past. Church reminded me of a lifetime of hurt and abuse. The enemy latched onto those lies and magnified them causing the desire for death to grow stronger and stronger. If you are struggling or know someone who is, please feel free to use this scale for yourself until you can create your own. I think it is a very useful tool in keeping track of your numbers. It can reveal things to you that maybe you did not notice before. Your chart may look very different from mine, and that’s okay. It is important that it fits you and tracks your personal needs. Explore the different phases of your depression and/or suicidal ideation. Ask yourself questions that can help aid in your healing, like when do you reach for unhealthy things like alcohol and drugs? Who makes you feel unwanted and unloved? What physical condition escalates your depression? What things or people can you add to your life to bring support and joy? This is the point of the chart, to give you a bigger, and honest, picture of your struggle. I typically recorded my numbers in the morning, afternoon, and evening. There is a copy of one of my months at the end, hopefully it gives you an idea of where to start. Be sure to reach out for help as your numbers rise, even if you don't want to. The enemy is always scheming against us to kill and destroy the life God gave us. He has two main missions. First, to see us die before our time. If he can’t get you to do that, then his second plan is to make your life as miserable as possible. Part of that mission is keeping you as far away from God as he can because even he knows how amazing God is.

There is freedom available for you as well. I pray that you can find the courage within to reach out for help in counseling, family and friends, attending church, or calling a helpline just to talk. It is important to understand that a large part of the healing process is our own personal work towards it. We cannot do it alone, but we do have to fight for ourselves. I know it can be hard and really scary, even feeling impossible at times, but you have all the strength you need inside of you. I pray the Holy Spirit guides you to the people you need, or even better, guides them to you. Jesus is right by your side no matter what. Your life has great value and purpose, I can promise you that.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Lifeline: Text 988

My Personal Suicide Rating Chart 0-10 created by Angela Claar  

On a 0 day:

Depression: none

Suicidal Ideation (SI) / Darkness: none

Prepping for SI: None

Alcohol: Only casually

Drugs: Not at all 

Cutting: Not at all

Daily Functioning: completing task, well motivated, feeling normal

Descriptive words: hopeful, energized, outgoing, joyful, interactive

Honesty: Willing to be honest about current state

Other: Not angry at God or Christians; Grace for others; not irritated easily.

On a 1-2 day:

Depression: very low

Suicidal Ideation / Darkness: mild intrusive thoughts for brief periods; easily shaken off and redirected; no desire to take my life.
Prepping for SI: No

Alcohol: only casually
Drugs: None

Cutting: No

Daily Functioning: task completed or good starts, motivated

Honesty: willing to be honest about current state

Descriptive words: pleasant, humorous, happy, adaptive, agreeable, energized

Other: positive activities with or without friends/family; communicating well with others; not angry at God or living life.

On a 3-4 day:

Depression: Low; presence of a dark cloud looming

Suicidal Ideation / Darkness: Only thoughts without action. Daydream about how & when to commit suicide, think about things to do to prep such as writing
Prepping for SI: no

Alcohol: Possibly 1-2 drinks 

Drugs: Low dose or none

Cutting: possible if it presents itself; knives & box cutters become eye catching and increase desire.

Daily Functioning: Struggling with desire to complete basic tasks, but still getting some things done such as work and household chores

Descriptive words: distracted, quiet, sad, low energy, feeling concerned and on edge

Honesty: wavering depending on person and how the day is going

Other: Watch television to avoid thoughts; read a book if able to focus; space out a lot; possible delay in responding to text messages; willing to get together with friends & communicate some, but varies moment to moment. Not angry at God or questioning Him/life.

On a 5-6 day:

Depression: Moderate; mild tightness in chest; some low anxiety

Suicidal Ideation / Darkness: Thinking about suicide as a possibility (50/50), spiritual attacks increase; More serious consideration of death (when/how)

Prepping for SI: Not usually 

Alcohol: yes (2+)

Drugs: yes (larger amt & more frequent)

Cutting: yes, if desired or prompted

Daily Functioning: Able to work that day, but little housework or other responsibilities completed

Descriptive words: stressed, lost, confused, indecisive, empty, numb,fatigued, agitated, uncomfortable, apprehensive

Honesty: More likely to be dishonest about current state

Other: Watch television, rest in bed, or combination of both. More likely to delay response in text messages or calls. Questioning God and faith.

On a 7 day-

Depression: Med-High; anxiety with shallow breathing & heaviness in chest, headache and feeling ill, even feverish at times is possible.

Suicidal Ideation / Darkness: fantasising death, desire it strongly; spiritual attacks increase with intrusive thoughts. Nightmares at night.

Prepping for SI: Yes; Email friends, letters updated, make videos, consider when

Alcohol: 2+

Drugs: 2+ (more likely to get high in the evening & weekends)

Cutting: More likely, if desired or prompted 

Daily Functioning: can complete work, but beyond that, focused more on completing task for suicide, not motivated to do anything else.

Descriptive words: anxiety, fear, confusion, lonely, trapped, unwanted, unloved

Honesty: Depends on how the day is going and who is asking

Other: feeling physically sick off and on; stomach in knots, easily angered; tire quickly, holding guns, pill bottles, or knives.

On a 8 day-

Depression: Very high; anxiety with shallowing breathing & heaviness in chest; panic attacks occasionally; nauseous; headaches; body temperature can vary drastically

Suicidal Ideation / Darkness: Determination to complete task to prepare for suicide in the near future (often the following day). Spiritual attacks are more intense and fearful; physical pain throughout the body during attack. Darkness felt all around me and very thick/ pushing in on me. I can sense an excitement from the darkness and feel that the time is coming soon. Little sleep with nightmares at night.

Prepping for SI: Not caring too much about prepping; lack of care or concern

Alcohol: 2+

Drugs: 2+

Cutting: More likely, if desired or prompted

Daily Functioning: Struggle at work, not motivated to complete housework or other responsibilities

Descriptive words: erratic, overwhelmed, scared, furious, judgmental, exhausted, raging, a mistake

Honesty: Not likely, but possible with a “safe person”

Other: Angry that I am still alive, angry at myself and others, little to no appetite, nauseous, attempting to behave normally, but internally there is a storm brewing. 

On a 9 day-

Depression: Very high to extreme

Suicidal Ideation / Darkness: Plan confirmed, typically for later that day. Calm and ready. Heavy darkness felt all around and in me. Intrusive thoughts lead to intense headaches. 

Prepping for SI: Little to no prep because the time has come whether ready or not

Alcohol: Consumption can vary; used to slow the process or make it easier to complete

Drugs: Small amount at first, but plan to take more at location prior to suicide

Cutting: Not usually, but possible

Daily Functioning: unable to complete daily tasks, not motivated to do any normal activities, focus is completely on getting to location

Descriptive words: determined, focused, apathetic, hopeless, miserable, disappointed, sorrowful, resistant

Honesty: Only by a miracle, but possible

Other: Struggle to focus on any one task, Overtaken by thoughts of suicide & unable to complete task. Headaches, nauseous, stomach in knots. Feeling alienated from the world. Will consider answering text and phone calls depending on person, message left, and deepness of suicidal determination in that moment. 

On a 10 day-

Depression: Extreme

Suicidal Ideation / Darkness: Confident it will be complete as soon as possible (within hours). Darkness has settled down from excitement to a mission focused attack. Experienced demons are present now to lead me down this path.  

Prepping for SI: gathering supplies needed and heading to location immediately

Alcohol: yes, but typically only a little to keep my nerves calm

Drugs: yes, but only a little at first and more for location of suicide

Cutting: no

Daily Functioning: Finish up necessary tasks only (at work only). 

Descriptive words: calm, hostile if approached, hopeless, empty, slight sense of peace, determination, stubborn, quiet

Honesty: No

Other: No longer answer phone calls or text 

I used a blank calendar page to log my numbers and any other information I thought was important, like appointments, when I had alcohol or marijuana, spent time with friends, etc. I removed the personal information for this posting. When #'s are in parenthesis, it means it was only brief. You can decide how and what you want to log, but the more information the better at first until you navigate what's most important for you. Highlighters can be helpful too. I used green for pot, pink for alcohol, and yellow for medical/ spiritual appointments.