The Doctor's Wife

Do you feel like the only thing you can be is broken? Have you listened to the lie that you can never be whole again, complete, wanted, and loved? It’s a dark valley to live in, but it's all just an illusion. You can get back up and dust yourself off, as they are always saying. You can squint your eyes and find that small spark of light in the distance. Just start walking and don’t stop. Sing aloud to drown out the whispers telling you that you will never make it. And never forget, even in the darkness you can make a difference. 

I found myself on a flight a few weeks ago headed for my holiday vacation. My daughter and I had selected an extra seat for our row so we could fly comfortably to our destination. The airline overbooked seats and in the final moments before the door closed, a well dressed woman slipped into the empty seat next to our window. We chatted briefly about flying and then I pulled out the book I had selected for the flight. I had originally planned to bring a different one, but at the last moment I traded books. Being slightly nervous about flying, I was surprised this was the one I grabbed, “Ten Hours to Live”. It had my full attention immediately. It was a fascinating story about a twenty year old athlete who suddenly became very ill and the doctor gave him ten hours to live. I read through his struggle and near death all the way to his miraculous healing under the care of an atheist doctor. I closed the book and my eyes briefly. I felt like I should talk to the woman sitting next to me, but I've never been the greatest at starting and keeping a conversation; just ask any of my close friends. I said the first thing that came to mind, “What does your husband do for a living?” She told me he was a doctor. I lifted the book I was reading, “Wow, has your husband ever experienced a miraculous healing that he couldn’t explain?” She looked at the book with a curious expression on her face. In fine print it read, a true story of healing and supernatural living. “What would make you want to read a book about that?” she asked. I told her I didn’t really know. I said I liked unusual books, especially based on true stories. I said it is amazing how people are blessed to be healed like that. She looked at me, “My husband is a general practitioner. He doesn’t usually have patients with such dire conditions. It’s typically just colds and minor issues. If it is something serious, he refers them to a specialist. But I don’t know if I believe in some 'being' in Heaven that can do things like that. I mean, how do we really know?” she asked. I could feel my heart swishing around in my feet. I knew immediately that that was why I had grabbed that book at the last minute and why the airline had overbooked the seats. God decided broken little me was needed that day and on that flight. I shared with her some of my childhood trauma and how God had seen me through. She shared some things too and asked me how I came to the place to believe in God, especially after all I had been through. I didn’t quote scripture or try to preach a sermon. I shared me, just me, and how in my darkness I found light. I found a loving God that wanted me no matter what. I hope my testimony was the spark of light she needed to start believing in God, or at least begin her journey in realizing His great love for her. If you think you are too broken to be used by God, you are wrong. 

This wasn’t my first time being used by God. Even while I was fighting depression, addictions, self harm, and suicidal thoughts, God brought other broken people into my life. Often they were people who were also struggling with suicide and/or their faith in God. One man reached out to me more recently and asked me how I could possibly believe in God while fighting for my life. But how could I deny there is a God in Heaven after surviving all that I have? My nephew that passed this year was another one that questioned me about God. We were texting back and forth for a while. I told him that I didn’t understand why God allowed the things He did and that it pissed me off sometimes, but encouraged him to not give up on God. I told him that even though I didn’t understand, and that I was angry at the time, I knew God loved both of us. I made sure he knew that God was with him too and that it was okay to be angry and ask questions.

Being used by God is part of the healing process. In helping others in their darkness, I hope you recognize the truth that you are important too. If He is willing to use you to help another broken person, then you are both really important people to Him, as is everyone. I soon noticed that I could be feeling and thinking one way about God until another hurting person came along and my tune changed suddenly. I would be defending the very God I was angry with. In that, God was showing me that deep down I did not believe the things I was saying about Him or the lies I was listening to every day. It also showed one very crucial thing about God, He was with me and all the other broken people every single day as we fought against the darkness.  We are not alone, and to God, we are not broken.