Another New Year

Content Warning: This post discusses depression and suicidal ideation.

I started writing because when I was at rock bottom, I had so many questions. I wanted so badly to have someone to talk to who had been through the same thing or something similar. I knew I couldn’t be the only suicidal Christian out there. I wondered how they dealt with the spiralling thoughts, self-harm, and/or panic attacks? Did listening to worship music really help? Did they feel alone, and if so, how did they overcome that isolating feeling? Did God really care, even though it appeared obvious He did not? But more importantly, was there really hope that I'd ever get past this, because it didn't feel possible? I desperately needed another fellow Christian to be open and honest about their thoughts, feelings, and personal battle with this darkness. And I know one i ndividual's experience is not like another's, but I would have felt less alone. Hearing how someone dealt with an attack, whether it helped me or not, would have been a welcome feeling of hope. And I’d know I was not alone.

I’ve never been a big fan of New Year's. With it always came a feeling of dread, especially if I had had a bad year. The enemy was good at pointing out that life sucked, and it would most likely continue to suck in the next year. Did I really want to start another year believing that? Could it possibly be better, and what will happen to me if it's worse? When I was in my twenties, like many others, I planned to get fit and experience more of life. It rarely happened, so by my thirties, I stopped making New Year's resolutions. I stopped staying up to watch the ball drop or the thousands of people standing in Times Square covered in confetti, hugging and kissing a loved one. I was all alone, and New Year's was just another reminder of that. I would “turn the page” of one year just to start the next one alone, also. This time of year had slowly become a dreaded season. It was not only cold outside with bare ugly trees, but I was empty and cold on the inside too. Making a New Year's resolution meant there was purpose and hope for the future, and I felt like I had none. I felt lucky just to be still standing. No, I take that back. I didn’t feel lucky, but often depressed, sprinkled with a little anger. If you also battle suicide, then you know holidays only make the fight harder, not easier. And as the world looks forward to starting fresh in a new year, those depressed and suicidal see it only as more torture.

I can completely understand why suicide is higher during this time of year. Christmas can be rough for a lot of people, especially those without family or those who have really messed-up ones. As someone who always loved Christmas and decorated the entire house, for the last ten years, I have barely put up my tree. One year it even stood bare in the corner, lifeless, just like me. This is the first year in a decade that I not only put up my tree, but fully decorated it and some of the house. That may not sound like anything to get excited about, but it shows me that I am doing better mentally. It’s the little things that were once a part of me that I had forgone to make room for the darkness. We all set aside a part of ourselves to let the darkness move in and take residency. It happens gradually, but it happens. 

This New Year's, my niece and her family are coming over. I’m making dinner, nd then we’ll play games. This is old me kind of activity, and I really look forward to it. I’m starting to realise, the me I have hated for years is actually pretty awesome. She enjoyed life and took care of herself. I let the darkness convince me that I was no good, and facing another year was a really bad idea. But it’s all a lie. Who I really dislike is the person the darkness made. She was miserable and alone. She has been missing out on life and all its goodness, and yes, there is goodness in this world.

If I were to make a New Year’s resolution this year, it would be to live the life God wants me to have. He knows better than anyone what I need, and I hope to spend 2026, trusting Him like I never have before. If I do that, everything else will fall into place. I don’t need to spend time thinking and planning out my life. How refreshing is that? How freeing? I am sure I will struggle with it, but that’s okay. I know He will be by my side no matter what, just like He has been since the day I was born. As I learn to trust God more and more, those lies will start to fade away. I will see them for what they really are, lies from the enemy only intended to destroy me.

If you are having a hard time and thinking about ending your life, I ask that you take a few moments to be still. Take a deep breath and ask Jesus to surround you in His love. Then go do something the old you enjoyed doing. Take a hike on a trail, bike ride, call a friend, go have a juicy steak, or listen to your favorite (upbeat) song. Whatever it is that puts a smile on your face or warms your heart. You deserve good things and happy moments. 

“Jesus, I pray you will cover my friend with Your love. May they feel Your arms wrapped around them this very moment. I pray you protect their minds and give them relief from the spiralling thoughts that come against them. I ask, Jesus, that you bring someone into their life who will walk them through this healing process. You know exactly what they need, Jesus. Thank you for being there for them and protecting them. We love you, Jesus, and thank you for all you have done and will do in the coming year. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.”

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust."

Psalm 91: 1-2