Little Brain for the Win

Have you ever struggled with intrusive thoughts? They're the ones that pop into your brain as if they were invited. Everyone has them and most are harmless and just junk thoughts you can discard immediately, but sometimes they can start affecting your life and emotions. Negative intrusive thoughts that persist can do great damage to a person's mental health. It can lead to depression, anxiety, OCD behaviors, self-harm, and even suicide. I am apart of several groups online for these types of mental illnesses and I constantly see people posting about negative thoughts about themselves. A week does not go by that someone does not post, "I will never get better" or "I fail at life, I might as well end it." I can relate to their thoughts and pain. Gaining control of your thoughts is not as easy as making up your mind that you are going to "just think happy thoughts and be positive!" If it were that easy, less people would be dying every day. I believe our society is finally coming to grips that their "think positive" slogan they have been waving before our red, swollen eyes is far from accurate. Ironically, it has been a much needed change in the thoughts and beliefs of those who do not struggle with intrusive thoughts. There has been a plea for change when the very individuals who needed to change were the ones who were mentally healthy. Though we wish "it's the thought that counts" would help us move in the right direction, it only damaged us further, unintentionally of course.

This afternoon, after seeing multiple negative posts online I felt a wave of anger rise up towards these intrusive thoughts. They have affected me as well for far too long. I sat down and started writing and below is what came out. Now I had no idea there was actual scientific research out there discussing big brain and little brain, so please do not relate the two. I only stumbled across that in search of a brain image to use. Most of this writing is drawn from past intrusive thoughts and not current ones and also common posts that I see from others online. And please excuse the foul language. Healing rarely looks "pretty".

Big Brain

The brain is such a magnificent organism, but I am tired of it fucking up my life. The intrusive thoughts it generates that fight against me instead of for me. Who are you? Someone else’s brain!?!?! It’s me, Angela. Remember me? Instead I hear lies all day long telling me that I will never get better. I will never stop failing at things because I am a natural, full blown failure! Some people are smart and successful and some people are stupid failures. I then hear, “You are making such a fool of yourself. Everyone sees the truth except you.” I am condemned daily with things like unwanted, unloved, worthless, and that I will never amount to anything. On and on and on are the negative thoughts. They seem to randomly appear in my mind with zero control. But then there is a small corner of this magnificent brain that recognizes that these are actually just lies. But because that small part is often intimidated and overshadowed by the larger part of the brain, it whispers to me when it thinks the big brain isn’t watching. It says, “You’re not stupid. You are not a failure. You have failed at some things, but that does not make you a failure. Everyone fails, everyone. And how can you be stupid if you are still here? You are clearly smart enough to outwit the big brain who is trying to kill you with lies. You don’t know what the future holds, no one does until they stick around and find out. It is actually more plausible that it will be better because you are doing things to work in that direction. You go see Shawn, your pastor friend for prayer. You go to therapy every week. You try to give yourself life giving moments like kayaking, reading books, painting rocks, writing, and drawing. You force yourself to get together with friends even when you don’t really want to or are tired. You know when you are at your limit and you always reach out for help. That makes you brave and courageous, and strong. Give yourself more credit than your big brain is telling you. You are also not unloved. You have a few good friends you can always count on and they tell you that they love you. They don’t have to, yet they do. They look you square in the eye when they say it too. You are not unwanted either, that’s horse shit. You have a long list of clients that are always thanking you for everything you do. Your daughter wants you here, even on her worst day and she’s being hateful to you. There is no negative thing about you that your big brain can say that is actually true. And when you hear me, little brain, say that about big brain and you disagree with me about those intrusive thoughts, it is only another lie piled on top of the others. Once again you are partnering with big brain. Seriously, the one against you?!?!? Stop it! Stop agreeing with big brain, who is the one that does not like you. Why are you befriending him when he is so mean to you? Oh, because he’s inside of you you think you can trust him. Well, you can’t always trust everything that big brain spits out. I may be small and stuck over here in the corner, in the shadow of big brain, but I am for you not against you. I fight for you. I will never give up on you. I cannot make you stop listening to big brain. You have to do that by choosing to not agree with him. You have to tell him when he is lying to you. Remind him that you are not a failure, that you are not stupid, that you are loved and wanted. Tell him because no one else can. Who else can read your mind and tell your mind that it is wrong? No one, it’s up to you to steer this ship and be in control. Be in control with truth, not lies! You can do this. One small lie at a time. Go write it down if you have to and when he spits out another lie, just read it back to him. Out loud tell him, “I am wanted.” Be confident and determined without waiver. He might be an old dog, but he can and will learn new tricks! Before you know it, those intrusive lies of his will shrink down into nothing and then for once I will begin to shine. I will love you. I will care for you and put you first. I want good things for you. I will bring you joy and new friendships. It will be great and you will be so glad that you listened to my small soft whisper. Remember, the darkness likes to shout to intimidate and control. Goodness does not need to do that because it is already more powerful just as it is. I can’t wait to see you on the other side.

Amazing article on the cerebellum, Latin for "small brain". https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-cerebellum-is-your-little-brain-mdash-and-it-does-some-pretty-big-things1/

Article on teaching children difference between big and little brain. https://edventuresofateachermom.wordpress.com/2016/07/21/big-brain-little-brain-teaching-kids-about-self-regulation/

Image: https://www.talk-business.co.uk/2014/11/04/go-small-guy-big-guy/