The Outskirts of Heaven

I think we can all agree it is relatively common for us all to put expectations on love. Where does love come from and who dictates what love looks like? It seems to be an accepted assumption as a human being that we will indeed receive love in some form. If we have been birthed into this world, and I certainly hope that is how you got here, do we not expect that our parents will love us, just like they will clothe and feed us? Love is almost as common as the air we breathe. As a believer, we know God commands us to love one another (Matt 22: 37-39). And the Bible itself is filtered through the lens of love. So why is it so hard for us? Why is love so messy and unpredictable? I can tell you this truth, because the love we know here and have such high expectations of is minuscule in comparison to the love that is untouched by the sin of mankind. 

Mild Trigger Warning- Suicidal Ideation

Several years ago I had an amazing encounter, one you may not believe. If you have followed my blog at all, you will know that I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for quite some time now. Though many times I have reached the point of getting ready to do this terrible thing and a few times even attempting, God has always stepped in, every time. Actually, it's a ridiculous amount of times that make it seem implausible, much like this story.

I was laying in bed drenched in tears one night. I was so overwhelmed and physically exhausted from the spiritual warfare I just laid there helplessly. I knew I wanted to die and that I would soon, but for the moment I just wanted to be still. My eyes were closed at first, but then it felt like my body was being lifted up off the bed. I opened my eyes and there was darkness all around me. I continued to go higher and higher. I looked at the stars as I passed by them. I was in such awe of them it didn’t cross my mind that I shouldn’t be there, in outer space. It didn’t take long for me to get to heaven, or the outskirts of it. I reached a flat surface that was not visible to my eyes. A fog or mist hid it. I was standing in front of an older gentleman. He reminded me of Abraham or Moses, what you’d expect them to look like according to those Bible story books or flannel graphs. In the far distance I could see a blurry wall and gate and I knew exactly where I was. It wasn’t just what I saw with my eyes, but the presence of an unearthly love that capsulated me. That word is important, capsulate. It means to close in,  surround, or include within. It was complete and total freedom from the heaviness of sin of the world. Everything was right and as it should be. There was no pain or suffering. No sadness or regret. This love penetrated my very being. Every molecule, every bone was wrapped in this amazing new love. The man pointed behind me, but back down towards earth. I turned around and similar to google earth as you click to zoom in, then click to zoom in more. I was able to see past the stars. I could see the world, then my state, then cities, then my house, and then all the way to the basement. My daughter was there and she was pacing back and forth as she listened to music. I knew that she was literally there at this very moment, so I knew I was watching her in real time, but from Heaven. The man said to me, “Decide.” I turned back around to face him. I knew exactly what he was asking me. He was giving me the choice to go back to earth and live more earthly days or stay there and face God. I had struggled with suicidal thoughts for so long. I was a mess and God knew my heart's desire was to just die and be with Jesus. It consumed my mind night and day slowly destroying me, like cancer destroys the body. But here I was. I could stay if I wanted to and I knew that. I could be loved in a way I would never be loved on earth. I could have peace, finally. I glanced back down at my daughter and before I could even finish my thought, I was back in my bed staring at a white ceiling. I didn’t even get to finish my answer or even open my mouth. The second my heart decided, I was back again. I wrestled with that reality for a long time. I was frustrated that I didn’t get to think about it for a few minutes. I told God, “Maybe I would have decided differently.” But He already knew my answer. He knew the reason I fought so hard every single day to stay, even though I desperately wanted to go, was for her. 

Though our version of love here on earth is unmistakably tainted by sin, it is comforting to know that God’s love for us is not. His love breaks all burdens and shame. His love covers the failures and mistakes. His love is uncompromising and endless. And it’s there already waiting for us. If you don’t feel loved today, please know that God loves you. And through your faith in Jesus Christ, you will one day know a pure love like none other.