The Friend I Didn't Know
I think the first thing that needs to be said is that it is hard being a parent. Children grow up and soon learn just how much grace parents need, often as they move into that position themselves. In my blogs I have shared some things about my relationship with my parents. I'm not sure I have fully expressed the grace and forgiveness I have for them. Honestly, I am still in the process. Sometimes pain resurfaces and forgiveness has to be done all over again. Deep rooted pain, regardless of who has hurt you, will take time. I do have a level of grace and forgiveness for them, but I still have a ways to go. And if I wait to write anything until I am perfectly healed, it may never happen. I think healing is a continual process until the day we die. So I am healing and writing as I go. The point of this blog is to share that we are not alone in our painful circumstances. We can fight together and encourage one another. Because of my relationship with my parents and how I was raised, I have a heavy heart for young parents of today. And because of my interaction with the spiritual realm, I believe that plays a huge role in that relationship. It's not easy sharing the faults of my parents, regardless of how it may appear. When I am writing, I am thinking about the teenager, mother or father, or young adult who's in so much pain and looking for someone else to understand. Silence has never healed anyone.
In the fourth grade I tried to run away. Honestly, the television show 21 Jump Street made running away look pretty appealing. I imagined that someone out there, maybe a Johnny Depp look alike, would take me in, love me, and we’d live happily ever after. This was the 80’s, so I watched all the family theme shows like Full House, Family Matters, Growing Pains, Family Ties, and the popular Cosby Show. What I noticed about these families were how they laughed together, cried together, and seemed to have an unbreakable bond. Truth be told, I desperately yearned for that. So one day I decided to go find that family or person I needed to make me feel whole again.
When I told my best friend at school, Patricia, that I was running away, she said she wanted to come with me. She had no reason to run away, but I was glad to have a traveling buddy. We set the day and had our backpacks ready to go. But I wasn’t leaving just because I had watched a few happy families on the television, or that I had a crush on Johnny Depp. I had been through some really hard things. You can read about some of it in previous blogs like, “Behind Closed Doors” and “Somethings Wrong With Her”. My family and I had moved three times and I was at my sixth school already. To say life felt turbulent would be an understatement. I was ready to escape my life. Ironically people were constantly telling me I was lucky to be me, but every fiber of my being could not stand who I was. There was this spiritual weight on my shoulders. Growing up as a PK (Pastor’s kid), meant life was surrounded and fully penetrated by the ministry. There was no off button. I believed every action, word, and even how I dressed affected the image of my family, my parents' ministry, and God. Whether those unrealistic expectations were spoken or unspoken to me, the devil ran with them. The first problem was we never talked about the trauma that had happened to me prior to this runaway attempt. It was brushed under the rug never to be spoken of. I believed those T.V. kids were the lucky ones because from what I saw, that would have never happened. The second problem was, that because of the silence that followed my trauma, it made me feel unimportant, and even to blame. I started to believe that God had made a huge mistake. I was not supposed to be in this family who had the responsibility of ministry. I thought I needed to be perfect and undamaged to reflect who He was. I was now broken and left unrepaired. I didn’t know how to be more invisible than I already was, so running away seemed like a good option. I felt stuck in a body, in a life, in a family, and in a religion I didn’t belong to. It wasn’t rocket science, leaving was out of necessity, both for me and God.
When Patricia and I were caught, the school counselor wanted to know why we wanted to run away. I sat silently twisting my fingers. If I had had a voice, I would have said I couldn’t be the person they all wanted me to be. I needed to be able to make mistakes. I needed a hug sometimes and to be able to share my thoughts and feelings. I needed to feel free to have a voice and ask questions and feel loved and safe. It’s hard to look back on my childhood during this period of my life because I see the catastrophic damage the enemy was doing and no one noticed. They never considered that the enemy was talking to me, just a young child. He was using the wall of silence and the distraction of ministry to speak a detrimental identity into my soul. They say time heals all wounds. What a crafty lie of the devil. Time has no power to do such a thing, but Jesus does through prayer and counseling (Psalm 30:2, Psalm 147:3).
I wish I had understood how the enemy worked back when I became a mother. Unfortunately I failed to see his work not only in my life, but also my daughters. I never considered the major influence the enemy could have on her at a young age, as if the devil only fought against adults. Today I would tell parents to not underestimate the little happenings in your child's life because that is where the enemy will be. It's easy to expect the devil to show up when horrific things happen in anyone's life, but he's a master manipulator. Like all manipulators, they make small jabs along life's journey, chipping away anything he can. He inserts small lies here and there, so when larger, painful events happen, we fall harder and faster. The enemy hates that our children were born to be strong warriors for the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). The most important thing you can do for them is help them find their identity in Christ, not the world. Communication goes a long way, and so do hugs. If they pull away and don’t want to talk, it doesn’t mean there is no hope in restoring a bond with them. Don’t believe the lie, “Well that’s just how they are. They like to stay to themselves.” The enemy loves when you give your kids extra space because it makes room for him. Keeping a wall, whether intentional or not, between yourself and your child is like inviting the enemy to be your child's friend. It's always going to be one or the other. God with us, or the enemy? Without God in their life, I can promise you the devil is and you love them way too much to ignore that.
I wish I could say my parents showered me with love and concern after I tried to run away. Our family has never been good at facing hard conversations and it's been to our own disadvantage. Like I have been doing, focus on healing so you can better care, love, and protect the ones you love. Not everything will be easy, but through Jesus, all things are possible to those who believe (Mark 9:23).
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