When Your "Gut" Speaks 2

I wrote this one separately because it is heavier, but also important to share.

Trigger warnings throughout.

Back in 2015 I joined Christian Mingle briefly. A man, Isaac, two hours away from me started chatting with me online. He seemed nice enough and so we met a few times. On the third date I met him halfway. We were supposed to go bowling and then dinner, but after the first game he suggested we go to a park and enjoy the outdoors while we talk. He said it wasn’t too far and that there’s always plenty of people around and picnic tables. I was reluctant, but it sounded safe, at least what I visualized in my head. He wanted me to ride in his car and I kindly, but adamantly, said I would drive separately. I was following him as we left the city and headed into a more secluded and mountainous area. This was not what I had visualized. Then there was a voice in my head telling me to not do this. But was it the Holy Spirit or just fear talking? I started praying and I asked God if I’m not supposed to go to this park then have him pull over for some reason. A few miles later, he exited off the road and stopped at the gas station. I parked and walked over to the pump where he was getting gas. He said, “ I didn’t realize I was low on gas. I’ll just be a minute.” I told him that I changed my mind and would rather just go back into the city and grab dinner. As I pulled out of the gas station I thanked God. Some people might say it was a coincidence, some might say it was God.

But this situation was all too familiar to me and the reason why I still to today question Isaac’s intentions that Saturday evening. When I was seventeen, my parents and I moved to Cleveland, TN. I went on a date with a boy from the youth group. He seemed like a nice guy even though he wasn’t really my type. He wore ironed khaki pants with a tucked in collared shirt. From what I gathered in the short couple months attending the church, he was popular and well liked. I was my usual quiet and backwards self. On one of our first dates he picked me up, but wouldn’t tell me where we were going. He drove across town and pulled into one of the large parks. It had numerous trails and an area with a playground and pavilions. He parked further away from the activity of families where one of the trails began. I still remember the warmth of the summer sun piercing through the trees. It was a little hot, but not too bad underneath the cover of trees. After a while, he said he wanted to show me something. So we headed off the main trail to a secluded area. To be honest, after being molested as a kid (blog-Behind Closed Doors), I was always a little uneasy around boys no matter where I was. I’d have butterflies in my stomach and my heart would race. At that point, that uneasiness and discomfort had become a part of me. It was my norm. And when it is your norm, it’s hard to recognize real danger when it's staring you right in the face. I proceeded with him deeper into the woods. The longer we walked, I concluded that the anxiety and all the symptoms that came with it were just my imagination, or childhood trauma fear poking at me. I had no reason to believe that he would take me out into the woods to take advantage of me, but he did. 

It’s easy to ignore the Holy Spirit. It’s easy to say, “Well that’s just a gut feeling.” But is it? That voice in our head that urges us to do something different than we usually do? We make all kinds of excuses in our heads to keep doing what we are doing while He tries to warn us, whether it is a flat tire or something else. The old me would have been too afraid to speak up and tell Isaac I would rather go back into town for dinner. But when things were not looking right or how I expected, and then God answered my prayer, I knew with confidence to listen. I am finally learning how important it is that I talk to the Holy Spirit on a regular basis so I know His voice. Because when you have experienced trauma, especially childhood trauma that becomes deeply rooted in you, it is very hard to distinguish between His voice and your fear sometimes. Some fears are warranted and the very alarm that can save us. But the enemy also likes to use fear to confuse us and lead us away from good things in our lives. The enemy's fear is chaotic and loud, but the Holy Spirit speaks softly (I Kings 19:12), and urgently in times of trouble. He nudges us to help us make better and wiser decisions and keep us safe. Our ability to listen to the Holy Spirit is an important part of receiving from God.

And as horrible as some things can be, I know that I am never alone. I know that the Holy Spirit was there with me that day in the woods. He knew I was scared and confused and unable to hear His voice in the chaos. I guarantee Jesus was there curled up next to me on the ground. And I can be angry about it and accuse God of abandoning me that day, but I know He didn’t. Bad things are going to happen. We live in a world of sin. It sucks and it doesn’t feel fair, but it doesn’t change how much God loves us. It doesn’t change that He sent us the Holy Spirit to help us. I know God shed a thousand tears for me that day. He never wanted that to happen. I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit walked with me back to the car and consoled me. He remained with me all day and night and every day and night that has followed. He will always be by my side and has not held it against me that I have not paid more attention to Him in my life. He is not mad at me for not always hearing His voice or even listening for it. Psalm 34: 18-19 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him/her out of them all.” ESV

I must add this, if you have experienced trauma, such as molestation or rape, do not blame yourself for that happening. Just because I talked about listening to the Holy Spirit, does not mean I am blaming myself for not hearing Him that day and therefore letting that happen. It is not my fault. It was not what God wanted. For years I believed the lie that I got what I deserved because I failed to listen and hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. I know God tried to stop it from happening, but sometimes bad things still happen. It's the hard part of free will. I will not put that blame on myself and neither should you. God wants to swoop in and hold us and love on us tenderly like a good father. He can heal those places in our heart. It is a process and it takes time, but it also takes us letting Him in to do that work. There is no shame in what happened to you. And God does not love you less because of it. You have always been a cherished son or daughter to Him and that is not going to change. If you need prayer about letting God in or anything else, please leave a comment below. Not only can I pray for you, but maybe the next person who reads this can as well. You never know what God will do.

Blog- Behind Closed Doors:https://idontbelonghereandlies.blogspot.com/2023/09/lie-2-god-doesnt-really-love-me.html