When Right Feels Wrong & Wrong Feels Right
This morning in church, my pastor commented on how much God loves us and wants us. Immediately there was this tightness in my chest. I could feel the tears welling up in my throat. I turned my face down to my notebook and refocused my attention on drawing random lines. It was too hard to listen to those words. I felt like jumping up out of my seat and dashing for the back door. I needed to escape, but I didn’t know why. I knew in my head that what he was saying was true, but my heart fought against it.
Since I can remember, I have wholeheartedly believed I am unloved and unwanted. That has become my resounding truth. It’s as if it is woven into my DNA. Every single little molecule that makes me me, says that God’s love is not really for me, and if it is, it is limited. What is that nonsense exactly? It’s a lie. It is a lie from the enemy from the very beginning and unfortunately, many of my experiences in childhood confirmed that lie instead of breaking me free from it. So I have spent decades asking why in the world would God want me? The enemy was more than happy to point out my trauma as proof that God in deed did not want me, or love me. My truth has always been that I don’t belong, that I am less than everyone else, and that I am just a burden. Strangely, it makes it unbelievably painful to hear the truth. It’s like I’m living backwards. You would think when I heard my pastor say God loved me and wanted me that it would make me feel better and encourage me, but instead it remains painful and uncomfortable. Though in my head I know that I am loved and wanted by God, it’s going to take quite some time to get my heart in line with that. And that’s okay because I am on that path now and I am not walking alone anymore. God’s always been with me, but now I have good friends and a couple family members that walk with me too. Having close supporters is such a key part of the healing process because God needs the friends, family members, and church to be His arms and feet as we have said for so many decades.

When you are in a healing journey with someone, they may not always respond the way you think they should, or as fast. Maybe they get angry sometimes, appear awkward, or cry over things that seem so unimportant. Maybe they even get emotional when you give them a hug. Just know that in that moment you are breaking off spiritual chains that bind them. Anger is just the enemy fighting back, it is not really coming from their heart. The awkwardness is just extremely low self-worth. And the crying is a heart that is breaking free. God is using you in that moment to heal them, to show His love through you. That just might be the only way He can get to that person is by your arms and your words of encouragement. I pray that you seek God’s wisdom in how you can help those around you, because a huge part of today's spiritual battle is about life and death. As for me, it might hurt hearing my pastor tell me that God loves me and wants me, but I need to hear it. I need to hear it a lot. In psychology they will tell you for every time you say something negative to someone, it takes a minimum of ten compliments to erase that one negative comment. And depending on how vile that negative comment was, or how broken the individual already is, it may take more.
My last blog, Sweet Sixteen: Beyond the Curve, I share a deeply held secret from when I was sixteen. I never felt comfortable sharing about my suicide attempt because I didn’t think people would believe me. It feels like there has been so much doubt in the church community for so long concerning miraculous experiences like that. Healing bodies is one thing, but turning cars a different direction is another. But I think I’ve reached a point where I don’t care if people believe me or not. If the broken keep believing the lie that they are not important enough for such life saving miracles, they will continue to die at rapid rates. Keeping my secret does no good. If God will do that for me, He can do that for you too, whatever the circumstance may be. I know the truth and God certainly does too. It was His will and power that changed things that cold winter night. The amazing thing is, over the course of my life, there have been several moments just like that, and every time God came rushing in. In the last few years, I was waiting for that grace to end. I figured the next time I tried to take my life, God would finally give up on me. He would say, “Enough is enough. I saved you six times already, there will not be a seventh.” As humans we do that. If someone doesn’t heal fast enough or if they cancel on us X amount of times, we give up on them. It’s our sinful human nature, and I am guilty of it too. We often do not allow a person to let us down over and over again like God will. I don’t understand His endless mercy and grace. Why me? Why save me over and over again? And even though I still don’t completely have those answers, I am here today to tell you about His great mercy and His endless compassion for you. If you are reading this and you aren’t sure about God and His love for you, or maybe you don’t even believe He loves you, that does not change the truth. The truth is He loves and wants every one of us whether we return that love for Him or not. You can freely reject Him if you choose. He won’t barge into your life without you wanting Him there. He won’t walk through a closed door, even though He has the power to do so. God is a gentleman, a father, and a friend. It’s not really different from children who grow up and turn their backs on their parents. Those parents will still love that child and long for them to just come home. It reminds me of the parable in the Bible about the Prodigal son. I won’t get into the story, but encourage you to read Luke Chapter 15. Just like the father in that story, who lifted up his garment and ran to his son, God does the same for every one of us as we turn our hearts back towards Him. You see, back then people would not lift up their garment like that and expose their ankles. Nor would a parent run to a child, that would have been seen as disrespectful. But God is not confined to human expectations, and certainly not any human made box that limits Him in any way. He is running for you, just like He ran for me. Just remember, if God wants to turn a car in a different direction to save the life of a sixteen year old girl, He will, because His love has no limitation.
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