Intro: A New Journey Begins (updated 3/30/24)

People who know me well are always telling me I should write a book because my life has been such a crazy journey. It certainly has been, and I am surprised I am still here to tell it. From being molested as a child, raped as a teenager, abandoned and nearly homeless by my first husband, abused by my second and nearly killed, alcohol and drug problems, major depression, and suicide attempts, just to name a few. It hasn't been easy, but it's also been easier than what some have gone through. I am in no way saying my life has been the hardest. But I can look back now and see Jesus by my side the entire time. I didn't always feel His presence, but that does not mean He was not there. I have often said, "The enemy has been trying to kill me since the day I was born." and I wish that was an exaggeration. But here I am, still kicking and screaming.

Along the way, I have believed many lies about myself. I never felt wanted, loved, or protected, which made it easy to believe that I just didn't belong here. I not only did not feel like I belonged in my family, but over time I literally felt like an alien to this planet. I wanted nothing but to escape it and find rest. I desperately wanted to be with Jesus. I still have days when I have to fight those thoughts and feelings. This blog is to hopefully help others better understand the struggle because I can promise you it is much harder than you probably think. Unless you have struggled with self harm or suicidal thoughts, its almost impossible to fully understand. And staying alive isn't easy. It takes a lot of time and energy to stay here on this planet. Time for counseling, using the tools they give you, fighting the thoughts, reaching out for support, and giving yourself time to decompress with life giving moments. It also takes money because if you're like me, you'll probably be on medication of some type, as well as the cost of counseling, gas getting there, etc. It takes dedication, focus, losing focus just to get back to refocusing again. I know, I'm not making this sound very easy and that's the point. It is why people who have a loved one who struggles needs to know how hard the fight really is. It's 24/7 most days. And if you're struggling, please don't let that discourage you, but give you a foundation for beginning your new life to freedom. If I can get through this, so can you! I'm here to help, not just share stories. But as I said, it is a commitment you need to make with yourself and Jesus that you are going to choose life. 

I have a lot of stories. Stories like Virgie, the alcoholic woman that showed up late one night banging on our parsonage door. Or when the Holy Spirit gave me a vision of a motorcycle coming for me. You may be interested to hear my experience when God brought me to the outskirts of Heaven. Or about the night I sat on the edge of my bed with a 9.mm gun to my head. I wish I had more fun and positive stories to share, but I seem to have plenty of trauma that has shaped me in ways I thought I would never be. But the wonderful thing is, regardless of all I have been through, God is ready and willing to change me just like He changes the caterpillar into a butterfly. We do not have to remain how we are. The enemy tells us we have no hope because when we stick with him, we don't. But there is a God of hope and He's promised that it is ours already, we just have to receive Him. 

Here I hope to include tools for those struggling, or for readers to share with friends and family they may know that struggle with mental health and trauma too. I have experienced an array of trauma, yet held onto my faith most of my life. With all I've been through, I still love Jesus. He has been my protector, my big brother, my champion. I never have to fear that He will leave me or hurt me in any way. So thank you for joining me in this adventure. I know it will not be perfect and you will certainly come across mistakes, but I will do my best and I hope to learn from you as well. Please leave comments or encouragement. Hit the follow button found in the left side menu bar. 

Updated 3/30/24