I Don't Belong Here

Lie #1: Forgiving my abuser makes everything he did okay. This is my favorite photo of Wally. When I met him, he was just completing his time at Teen Challenge. My father had called the organization to get a tree removed from the church property and that’s how we all first met him. He started attending our church almost immediately. The single, elderly ladies were relentless at pushing us together. Wally was just two years older than I and he was that guy you know who would literally take his shirt off his back if you needed it. He was always volunteering to help people. He was tall and strong and had the biggest country smile. My daughter loved him because he enjoyed playing with the kids. He had two of his own. He was a true gentleman. He would open doors for me and always said “yes ma’am” and “yes sir” to everyone he came across. That was the real Wally, the one God intended. If he had survived his traumatic life journey, Wally would have been a powerful ally with God. I was twenty ...

                      My first recollection of the Holy Spirit was when I was about six years old. There was a large, brick marque in front of the church my father pastored. The parsonage was behind the church. Between our one neighbor and the church building was a dirt path that once was used by cars to pass between the two properties. The older gentleman that lived next door had installed two large wood posts on either side of that dirt drive with a large heavy chain hanging to block all traffic. I liked to go through there to get to the marquee out front. I remember it being a favorite place to climb. I was a bit of a tomboy. There was a thick pipe that came out of the ground, bent horizontal for about a foot, and then went right back into the ground making the perfect step up onto the very top of the church sign. I had played there many times before, but one particular day I heard the sound of a motorcycle coming down the r...

(Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation) The hardest part of struggling with suicidal ideation is the massive barrier between those who suffer with it and the friends and family that will never fully understand it. I have heard my whole life, “We all have problems.” But I often question, “Is your problem trying to kill you?” We all know there is a wide range of trauma and suffering in the world from a break up to losing a loved one. I agree that pain is pain, but the effects of such pain are not the same. Pain not only varies in degrees, but also how the individual responds based on their own life experiences. So what exactly is this barrier I am implying that exists? It is a thick, multi-layered wall consisting of lack of knowledge on one side (family & friends) and often lack of grace on the other (SI individual). I want to speak to the family and friends who are supporting someone with suicidal ideation (SI). Again, my experience may not be identical to the person you love and sup...

I was thinking about how God brings people into our lives right at the perfect moment. Sometimes we wonder why they didn’t come sooner, but that’s where our faith in God becomes important. God sees the entire timeline of the entire world beginning to end. He knows the perfect placement of things while we only get a sliver of the view. And comically, we often think we know best. I have had people come into my life for just a season. And I am sure God has intended for other people to be in my life that did not obey His call. But no matter what, we can trust that He knows best and will take care of things regardless. By the time I was age 12, I was pretty broken. I had been molested, bullied, found & lost a very important cat to me, moved three times, and was at my fifth school, to name just the top trauma's & adjustments I had faced. I was always a quiet kid, but now I was just empty inside. I felt lost in the world, and very much alone. All my older siblings were out of the ...

People who know me well are always telling me I should write a book because my life has been such a crazy journey. It certainly has been, and I am surprised I am still here to tell it. From being molested as a child, raped as a teenager, abandoned and nearly homeless by my first husband, abused by my second and nearly killed, alcohol and drug problems, major depression, and suicide attempts, just to name a few. It hasn't been easy, but it's also been easier than what some have gone through. I am in no way saying my life has been the hardest. But I can look back now and see Jesus by my side the entire time. I didn't always feel His presence, but that does not mean He was not there. I have often said, "The enemy has been trying to kill me since the day I was born." and I wish that was an exaggeration. But here I am, still kicking and screaming. Along the way, I have believed many lies about myself. I never felt wanted, loved, or protected, which made it easy to beli...