I Don't Belong Here

Lie: Forgiving my abuser makes everything he did okay. This is my favorite photo of Wally. I met him while he was finishing his program at Teen Challenge. My father had called the organization to remove a tree from the church property, which is how we were introduced. Wally started attending our church almost immediately, and the single, elderly ladies relentlessly tried to set us up. Only two years older than me, Wally was the kind of man who would give you the shirt off his back. He always volunteered to help others. Tall and strong, he had a big, country smile. My daughter adored him because he loved playing with the children—he had two of his own. Wally was a true gentleman; he opened doors and always said "yes ma'am" and "yes sir." That was the real Wally, the man God intended him to be. Had he properly healed from his traumatic past, he would have been a powerful force for good. Teen Challenge taking down the church tree. I was twenty-four when Wally and I...

                      My earliest memory of the Holy Spirit dates back to when I was about six years old. My father pastored a church with a large brick marquee out front, and the parsonage was located behind the church. A dirt path, once used as a shortcut for cars, ran between the church property and our neighbors' yard. The elderly gentleman next door had erected two large wooden posts with a heavy chain between them to block traffic on the path. I often used this path to get to the marquee, which I loved to climb; I was a bit of a tomboy. A thick pipe jutted out of the ground, bent horizontally for about a foot, then re-entered the ground, creating a perfect step up to the top of the church sign. I had played there many times before, but one day, I heard the sound of a motorcycle approaching. I wasn't typically afraid of motorcycles, but this one caught my attention. I saw it in the distance, heading my way. The driver was ...

Content Warning: Suicidal Ideation The most difficult aspect of struggling with suicidal ideation is the significant divide between those who experience it and the friends and family who may never fully understand it. I have often heard the sentiment, "We all have problems." However, I often wonder, "Is your problem trying to kill you?" While trauma and suffering exist on a wide spectrum, ranging from breakups to the loss of loved ones, and pain is pain, the effects of such pain differ. Pain varies not only in intensity but also in how individuals respond based on their unique life experiences. What, then, is this barrier I'm referring to? It is a thick, multi-layered wall composed of a lack of knowledge on one side (family and friends) and, often, a lack of grace on the other (the individual experiencing suicidal ideation). I want to address the family and friends who are supporting someone with suicidal ideation (SI). While my experience may not precisely mirr...

I've been reflecting on how God brings people into our lives at precisely the right moment. We sometimes wonder why they didn't appear sooner, but that's where faith becomes essential. God sees the entire world's timeline, from beginning to end. He knows the perfect placement of everything, while we see only a sliver of the picture. Ironically, we often think we know better. Some people have entered my life for only a season, and I'm sure others were meant to be in my life but didn't answer His call. Regardless, we can trust that He knows best and will take care of everything. By the time I was twelve, I was pretty broken. I had been molested and bullied, lost a cat who was very important to me, and moved three times. I was also attending my fifth school. These were just the most significant traumas and adjustments I had faced. Always a quiet child, I was now just empty inside, lost and alone in the world. All my older siblings had moved out, so I was the only c...

People who know me well often say I should write a book because my life has been, to put it mildly, crazy. I'm honestly surprised I'm still here to share my testimony. While the battle isn't over, I've emerged from a very dark place. I've faced immense challenges: molestation, rape, abuse by my husband, substance abuse, and multiple suicide attempts, to name just a few. Life isn't easy, as they say, but that doesn't mean there's no hope; that there is not a brighter future for me. I gave up on hope at times, but Jesus never gave up on me. He fought for me relentlessly because of His great love. I'm not suggesting my life has been the hardest, and I'm grateful for the support of friends and family. Looking back, I can see Jesus by my side the entire time. Although I didn't always feel His presence, that doesn't mean He wasn't there. My feelings aren't always truthful, especially when I'm under attack. That's where my faith...