Secrets to Surviving: For Supporters
Content Warning: Suicidal Ideation
The most difficult aspect of struggling with suicidal ideation is the significant divide between those who experience it and the friends and family who may never fully understand it. I have often heard the sentiment, "We all have problems." However, I often wonder, "Is your problem trying to kill you?" While trauma and suffering exist on a wide spectrum, ranging from breakups to the loss of loved ones, and pain is pain, the effects of such pain differ. Pain varies not only in intensity but also in how individuals respond based on their unique life experiences. What, then, is this barrier I'm referring to? It is a thick, multi-layered wall composed of a lack of knowledge on one side (family and friends) and, often, a lack of grace on the other (the individual experiencing suicidal ideation). I want to address the family and friends who are supporting someone with suicidal ideation (SI). While my experience may not precisely mirror that of your loved one, I believe I can offer general insights that will help you understand that our struggle extends beyond mere thoughts of death.
(I am not a mental health professional. The content of my blog reflects my personal experiences as someone previously diagnosed with CPTSD, major depression, and suicidal ideation (SI). My experiences may or may not align with your own or those of someone you are supporting.)
Suicidal ideation changes a person over time. Like everyone, we develop unhealthy filters through trauma and pain, but this makes our battle for life that much harder. Fear is a major component that drives suicidal thoughts, igniting new behaviors that can be completely out of character, like lying. I personally fought against thoughts like, "Don't be too depressed for too long, or they will give up on you," which led me to lie and say I was fine when I wasn't. I also thought, "Don't forget to laugh and smile sometimes," because I needed to prove I wasn't just a cloud of darkness all the time. I even told myself, "Don't reach out too often, and be sure to rotate contacts," because I feared burning any one person out or being too much of a bother. Living with suicidal thoughts and depression is a constant juggling act. I often felt like I worked so hard to keep everything balanced so I would not push anyone away or cause them harm. Sometimes I felt successful, and other times I didn't. It was exhausting and even more depressing as time went on. I was processing past trauma, fighting against urges to take my life, and carefully managing how I interacted with everyone around me. For some, this is where addictions or self-harm begin. Every suicidal person needs some form of release, and if healthy options are unavailable, we will inevitably choose unhealthy ones. This is where supportive friends and family can come alongside us to suggest life-giving activities we can do on our own. However, when a person is depressed and doesn't want to live anymore, pushing oneself to stay active and in contact with others is nearly impossible. Without healthy support, our chances of survival decrease. Sadly, we often think the secrets we juggle in the background of our struggle will help us survive longer, but the exhaustion of maintaining all of that does the very opposite.
I once acted completely out of character during an exceptionally bad night when my suicidal ideation (SI) was particularly strong. A friend noticed something was wrong via text and alerted another friend, Joy. I wouldn't answer Joy's calls but eventually responded to her texts, knowing she would come knocking if I didn't. Joy asked me to contact a pastor friend whom I met with regularly. I lied and told her that I already had, with no intention of doing so. The next day, she followed up, and again, I told her I had spoken to him and was doing much better. Then she revealed that she had run into Pastor Shawn at church that morning and asked if I had talked to him. He knew nothing about it. My heart sank. I felt immense guilt for lying to a friend who had always been there for me and deserved the truth. It was then that I realized how much the suicidal ideation had changed me. I feared people stopping me from ending my life, yet simultaneously feared losing those same people. I had always been known for my brutal honesty; it was a core part of my identity. I could barely tell a white lie, except maybe to compliment a bad dress. But now, the SI had instilled a fear that made lying far easier than telling the truth, and I hadn't even noticed the shift. In every other aspect of my life, I remained that honest person, but not when it came to this. I wanted to protect the SI. However, as I heal and my support system continues to reassure me of their unwavering presence, the fear of honesty diminishes. Supporting someone through major depression and suicidal thoughts is neither easy nor a quick fix. Even after recovery, supporters should remain vigilant for potential red flags. If suicidal thoughts resurface after a period of well-being, some individuals might conceal them out of fear of disappointing or being rejected by past supporters. As I fluctuate between recovery and relapse, I experience intense shame, embarrassment, and anger. The fleeting glimpse of hope is once again overshadowed by darkness. It feels like another failed attempt to break free, which is devastating.
I want to thank those who sacrifice their time and energy to help people struggling with mental illness. You are soldiers on a battlefield, fighting for your loved ones against an enemy that knows taking a life has a catastrophic ripple effect for generations. If you don't know someone affected by mental illness, especially suicide, please pray for those supporting loved ones. Like Aaron and Hur, who held up Moses' arms so Joshua could win the battle, these supporters need our prayers.
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