Secrets to Surviving: For Supporters

(Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation)

The hardest part of struggling with suicidal ideation is the massive barrier between those who suffer with it and the friends and family that will never fully understand it. I have heard my whole life, “We all have problems.” But I often question, “Is your problem trying to kill you?” We all know there is a wide range of trauma and suffering in the world from a break up to losing a loved one. I agree that pain is pain, but the effects of such pain are not the same. Pain not only varies in degrees, but also how the individual responds based on their own life experiences. So what exactly is this barrier I am implying that exists? It is a thick, multi-layered wall consisting of lack of knowledge on one side (family & friends) and often lack of grace on the other (SI individual). I want to speak to the family and friends who are supporting someone with suicidal ideation (SI). Again, my experience may not be identical to the person you love and support, but I believe I can speak generally and it will help you understand that our battle is not just about thoughts of death.  (I am not a professional in mental health. What I share in my blog is a reflection from my personal experiences in life as someone who was once diagnosed with CPTSD, major depression, and Suicidal Ideation (SI). My experiences may be similar or completely different from your experience or the one you are supporting.)

Suicidal Ideation changes a person over time. Like all people, we develop unhealthy filters through trauma and pain. But it makes our battle for life so much harder. Fear is a major component that drives the SI. It ignites new behaviors in us that can be completely out of character, like lying. I personally fought against thoughts like, “don’t be too depressed for too long or they will give up on you”. That would lead me to lie and say I was fine when I was not. “Don’t forget to laugh and smile sometimes”, because I needed to prove to them I was not just a cloud of darkness all the time. “Don’t reach out too often and be sure to rotate contacts”. I feared burning any one person out or being too much of a bother. Living with suicidal thoughts and depression is a constant juggling act. I often felt like I worked so hard to keep everything balanced so I would not push anyone away or cause them harm at the same time. Sometimes I felt successful and other times I did not. It was exhausting and even more depressing as time went on. I was processing past trauma, fighting against urges to take my life, and having to carefully manage how I interacted with everyone around me. For some, this is where the addictions start or self harming. Every suicidal person needs some form of release and if we do not have healthy options available, we will inevitably choose unhealthy ones. This is where having good friends and family come alongside us to do things or suggest life giving activities we can do on our own. If a person is feeling depressed and not wanting to live any more, pushing ourselves to stay active and in contact with others is nearly impossible. Without healthy support, our chances of survival decrease. Sadly, we often think the secrets we juggle in the background of our struggle will help us survive longer, but the exhaustion of maintaining all of that does the very opposite.

Once I did something completely out of character. I was having an exceptionally bad night and my SI was really high. A friend texting me noticed something was not right and in turn messaged another friend, Joy. I wouldn’t answer calls from Joy, but eventually responded to her text messages because if I didn’t I knew there would be knocks at the door. Joy asked me to reach out to a pastor friend of ours who I met with regularly. I told her that I just had, but that was a lie and I had no intentions of reaching out to him. The next day she touched base and once again I told her I had spoken to him and was doing much better. Then she told me that she had run into Pastor Shawn that morning at church and asked if I had talked to him. He knew nothing about what was going on. My heart sunk even further. I felt so guilty for not being truthful. This friend had stuck by me for so long and was available to help me any time. She deserved the truth. This was the moment I realized the suicidal ideation had changed me more than I had thought. I could fear people stopping me from planning my death and then moments later fear that I was going to lose them. My whole life people always described me as honest to a fault. And that was my true self. I couldn’t bring myself to lie to people unless it was telling a woman she looked nice in a dress when she didn’t. There is a line you know. But now suddenly the SI raised a fear in me that made lying far more easier than telling the truth and I didn’t even see the change it had made in me. In all other aspects of my life I remained that honest to a fault person, but not when it came to this. For the SI I would lie to protect it. But as I heal and my supporters continue to reassure me that they are here for me, the fear of being honest stays at bay. Helping people who suffer with major depression and suicidal thoughts is no easy task, nor is it a quick fix. Unfortunately, even after they are well, supporters should continue to remain on guard for any red flags that may come up. Once a person is doing well and thriving again, if the suicidal thoughts would begin again, I believe some individuals would be quick to hide it out of fear of disappointment or rejection from past supporters. I know as I float from doing well to falling back into the SI trap again, there is a lot of shame and embarrassment that comes with it, and anger too. The glimpse of hope, so short and sweet, now covered in darkness yet again. It is another failed attempt to stay free from it and that is devastating to our souls. 

I want to take a moment to thank those who sacrifice so much time and energy into helping someone with any kind of mental illness. You are a soldier on the field doing battle for your loved one. The enemy will fight hard for them because it knows that if it can take the life of that person, the damage of that will ripple for several generations. If you do not know someone who suffers with a mental illness, particularly suicide because of its catastrophic effects, then I ask for you to pray for those who are supporting a loved one. Just like Moses on the mountain top when Aaron and Hur held up his arms so Joshua could win the battle, our supporters need to be held up in prayer as well. 

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Websites for self care & trauma articles: https://www.activeminds.org/about-mental-health/self-care/ www.olgaphoenix.com https://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/