I Don't Belong Here

  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 _______________________________________ This past Christmas I was at a beach with my family. As I walked along the shore I was looking for seashells. The beach was covered in them, like I had never seen before. One day I was walking alone. I would walk a little ways and then sit down and watch the waves come crashing in. I saw a lot of broken seashells and a lot that had been churned in the waves against the sands. Their shape and texture had been changed gradually over time before reaching the shore. One piece of a shell stood out to me so I picked it up. It was thick and heavy. It was a bright white amongst the other shells and so soft to the touch. I held it in my hand, turning it over and over just like it had done in the water before reaching me. I felt like God was speaking to me at that moment. He said, “Look at this shel...

                                                Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14 (NIV) I think the first thing that needs to be said is that it is hard being a parent. Children grow up and soon learn just how much grace parents need, often as they move into that position themselves. In my blogs I have shared some things about my relationship with my parents. I'm not sure I have fully expressed the grace and forgiveness I have for them. Honestly, I am still in the process. Sometimes pain resurfaces and forgiveness has to be done all over again. Deep rooted pain, regardless of who has hurt you, will take time. I do have a level of grace and forgiveness for them, but I still have a ways to go. And if I wait to write anything until I am perfectly healed, it may never ...

                                                                            Trigger Warning: Suicide Topic Thank you Rodella for the bracelet. "God is not just in the healing business, He's in the rescuing business too." Today is World Semicolon Day. It’s a day to reflect on the ones we have lost to suicide and those who struggle to stay here even today. It is not a warm and welcoming topic. It comes straight from the pits of Hell, but ignoring the uncomfortable can costs us a great deal. Maybe this has not affected your life, praise God for that! I hope it remains that way for you. But for those who remain in the aftermath of such a tragic loss, I pray you can find comfort and peace through Jesus Christ. Suicide is such a tragic loss because often it is preventable. Understanding that suicide is a s...

Trigger Warning: Suicide Topic Thank you Rodella for the bracelet. Today is World Semicolon Day. It’s a day to reflect on the ones we have lost to suicide and those who struggle to stay here even today. It is not a warm and welcoming topic. It comes straight from the pits of Hell, but ignoring the uncomfortable can costs us a great deal. Maybe this has not affected your life, praise God for that! I hope it remains that way for you. But for those who remain in the aftermath of such a tragic loss, I pray you can find comfort and peace through Jesus Christ. Suicide is such a tragic loss because often it is preventable. Understanding that suicide is a secondary struggle can help save lives. The enemy works diligently against those who are not coping or healing from previous trauma and pain. Negative thoughts and emotions compound until it feels like there is no other way out. I ask today that you take a moment to say a prayer for the thousands who may awake this day and think to themselves...

The story of the prodigal son (Luke 15: 11-32) always reminds me of when I ran away from home at age seventeen. I left in the middle of the night searching for love and acceptance. For once I needed to just be me and I had no idea who that was. When I stepped out the front door, I was walking out from underneath the umbrella of God and everything it included. As far as I was concerned, life as a PK (Pastor’s kid) was nothing but horrible, unrealistic expectations and it was time for me to be me. I think the prodigal son in the Bible just wanted to try life outside of his family. Maybe he too was looking for his identity or wanting to change it somehow. I was breaking free from what I felt was bondage. But in reality, I left one bondage and stepped into another. If I had known the heart of my Heavenly Father, I would have ran to Him instead. I walked across town and moved in with a boy I had just started dating. I felt safe with him. He would become my first husband. We had a decent lif...

Trigger Warning- Suicidal Ideation If you have read even a few of my posts, you will notice I speak about death a lot. That’s because suicide has dominated much of my life. The spirit of death is a real demon that steals your joy, tortures your soul, and leaves you feeling so broken you can barely stand being alive. But the spirit of death is not more powerful than God. I am living proof of that. If God was not more powerful I would have died a long time ago. You may wonder why I struggled then for so long. That’s because I believed the lies of the enemy and God patiently waited for me to start believing His truth. I even believed for a long time that it was my destiny to kill myself. That’s how deep the darkness can go if you let it stay in your life by continually listening to the lies. But I want to share a story of great joy and triumph. It was just last year when it happened. I was under heavy attack, meaning I was having strong suicidal thoughts and fighting against the desire to...

I think we can all agree it is relatively common for us all to put expectations on love. Where does love come from and who dictates what love looks like? It seems to be an accepted assumption as a human being that we will indeed receive love in some form. If we have been birthed into this world, and I certainly hope that is how you got here, do we not expect that our parents will love us, just like they will clothe and feed us? Love is almost as common as the air we breathe. As a believer, we know God commands us to love one another (Matt 22: 37-39). And the Bible itself is filtered through the lens of love. So why is it so hard for us? Why is love so messy and unpredictable? I can tell you this truth, because the love we know here and have such high expectations of is minuscule in comparison to the love that is untouched by the sin of mankind.  Mild Trigger Warning- Suicidal Ideation Several years ago I had an amazing encounter, one you may not believe. If you have followed my blo...