I Don't Belong Here

Content Warning: This post discusses depression and suicidal ideation. I started writing because when I was at rock bottom, I had so many questions. I wanted so badly to have someone to talk to who had been through the same thing or something similar. I knew I couldn’t be the only suicidal Christian out there. I wondered how they dealt with the spiralling thoughts, self-harm, and/or panic attacks? Did listening to worship music really help? Did they feel alone, and if so, how did they overcome that isolating feeling? Did God really care, even though it appeared obvious He did not? But more importantly, was there really hope that I'd ever get past this, because it didn't feel possible? I desperately needed another fellow Christian to be open and honest about their thoughts, feelings, and personal battle with this darkness. And I know one individual's experience is not like another's, but I would have felt less al...

I heard someone say, “If you work through it, it can’t hurt you anymore.” I’ve spent most of my life shoving hurt down into the deepest crevices of my soul. I didn’t even notice I was doing that at first. I thought I was just blessed to be strong and brave; to rise above the trauma and heartache. But as all those places within me started to fill, eventually there was no more room left. It bulged out further and further like a balloon filling with air. I felt the discomfort of it, but I wasn’t sure what it was. I was still living in this delusion that I was stronger than what I actually was, somewhat untouchable by grief and pain. Then one day, a very small thing happened. It pierced my now over-swollen spirit, like the point of a needle hitting my heart. It was a misunderstanding that led to a negative comment towards me, and just like that, the bulge burst, seeping out everywhere. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. My mind spun uncontrollably around in circles. All I could do was h...